The Friday Fry-Up - 29th June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


I read on Saturday that Ashleigh Butler wants to appear on the next run of Strictly Come Dancing but without Pudsey the dancing dog. This could be best as with Nancy Dell'Olio on the last series, we really don't want too much repitition.


Apparently they are discussing the possibility of allowing prisoners to have sex while in jail. If this comes to pass, I may have to commit a crime and go and have some as I am not getting any as a free man, well not for free anyhow...


As the government and the mathematically challenged George Osborne made another U-turn this week, they sent little mouse Chloe Smith to take the Jeremy Paxman fired bullets. Now we all know that not only is George Osborne a rich clown who likes dicky bows, he is also a childish wimp who sends an un-briefed woman out to do his dirty work because he is not man enough to do the job he is paid for himself.

Another incident involving a "Free Cash Machine" this week. I said that it was mine when I tried to get it out and that RBS hadn't officially made it mine yet, but they didn't believe me. Also bail didn't come through so I spent two nights in the clink. Got some nice sex though, although he was a little hairy if I am honest.

The football team was announced this week for the Olympics and there was a glaring omission from the squad in the form of David Beckham. Now it is true that he is a little long in the tooth for major competition, but as an Olympic Ambassador he was key to us even gaining the event in the first place. Therefore to not pick him is ridiculous, and anyway its not as if we are going to win it, is it?


So Fifty Shades Of Grey is the fastest million selling book ever, well you are going to need another copy once the juices are running as it does make a mess of the pages.


Happy to see my Maria Sharapova making safe-ish progress at Wimbledon, what better time to have another look at the goods.

Maria Sharapova - New balls please, mine are empty.

That Harry Style's is a lad ain't he! As a gentlemen in my early thirties, I really couldn't imagine having a sordid, rampant, highly sexually charged, no hold's barred affair with an eighteen year old. Sorry, I have come over all hot now...

I think I need a lie down, so let me finish by saying a final farewell to Nora Ephron, writer of all those kind of films I wouldn't watch other than the fact that Meg Ryan was in some of them. Enjoy this, one of those perfect movie moments.

The Friday Fry-Up - 22nd June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Too late for last weeks fry-up, news reached me of the antics of one Kate Wilson (thank you @DomRobinson on Twitter) a nineteen year old supermarket sweeper in the most awesome of senses.

Appearing in court last week for parading naked through Tesco's while on a legal high, young Kate finished her antics by karate kicking a policeman. Personally if I had been there I would have had to have got my hands on the hot baps in aisle three and would no doubt have left a slip hazard in the aisle as well.


England beat Sweden. Whoop! {Place holder below for follow-up after Tuesday's game}


Russell Brand this week cornered Graham Norton, telling him off for making his mother cry after bringing up his divorce with Katy Perry. I wonder if Russell himself has ever done anything that made his own mother cry? Hmmm...
Likewise, if my mother was still alive, as a fan of Dudley Moore, I am certain that Russell's performace as Arthur would have made her cry. So button it Brand.


Despite his performance at Queen's at the weekend, the England football team were unable to get the paperwork in order for David Nalbandian to take to the field on Tuesday.

Sue Barker takes action again David Nalbandian!

So people want Gary Barlow to return his OBE because of his flexible tax payment system, when they are missing the true reasons he should return it, in other words Cheryl Cole and Grace Jones.


So anyway, our right honourable Prime Minister, Mr David Cameron hit out at Jimmy Carr that he had been "morally wrong" to have taken  part in an entirely legal tax avoidance scheme. Much like his fellow MPs and himself had taken part in a "totally within the rules" expenses system.


It was nice to see the mad man that is Dave Lee Travis back on the screen this week, albeit briefly. In an interview on the ITV lunchtime news he was he usual insane self.

Apparently England won, so are playing again it would seem. This was all thanks to the marvels of Wayne Rooney's new toupee.
It's not a toupee you say?
No, you must be wrong, only a Bruce Forsyth could look that ridiculous.


Having been given the task of installing the new software for Natwest. Let me apologise to you all after I installed Max Payne 3 instead.

Tony Nicklinson - The Right To Die?

Tony Nicklinson has re-opened the old can of worms. Today he is in court requesting his right to die. Trapped in his body following an active life before it, he can no longer do anything but blink his eyes.


Mr  Nicklinson has had locked-in syndrome since a stroke seven years ago and the condition takes all movement from you, but leave you fully mentally aware and with all the intellect and knowledge you had before, it must truly be one of the most cruellest of things.


Having had an active life before and with full intelligence intact, the question is why should we not allow him to die? The main difference between Mr Nicklinson and previous cases is the key fact of ability, he is totally unable to administer the fatal dose, someone would have to do the task for him and that is key to the case. This of course would be murder.


As is always the case when these incidents hit the news, the term "playing god" appears, but what of this. Whether you are religious or not, doctors are and always have, played god. Why should doctors only be there for the better and never the worse?


The problem for most of us, we do not truly know the situation that Mr Nicklinson is in. We can imagine very easily perhaps, but to be fully aware? Never.


Think for a second about never being able to move again, never to speak, never with your own effort go outside into the sun. To kick a football. Pick up a newspaper. Pour that mug of tea. The simplest of things gone from you forever.


I would hope that the judges do the right thing in this case, but of course sadly this is very unlikely to occur.

Katherine Kerswell: Licence To Take Money

Katherine Kerswell, ex-Northamptonshire County Council, now ex-Kent County Council lives on a different planet to the rest of us. If only she did, and all those other misguided Chief Execs on the planet. Those people who work for the public, very directly, but think the work they do deserves pay packets that the rest can only dream of.

Dear Katherine joined Northamptonshire County Council in September 2007 where she had a pretty reasonable (read ridiculous) salary of £197,135 a year. She defended this amount during office stating that it was just 29p per person in the county. The Royal Family costs 51p per person in the country, therefore Queen Katherine is over half as important as the Queen herself.

Ok, 29p doesn't sound a lot does it when you break it down, and of course they do such a vital job that you need to pay that to get the "best people". However like the bankers that have screwed things up elsewhere, do we actually get the "best people"?

Now Queen Katherine didn't exactly leave Northamptonshire in a blaze of glory to many, and now it would seem she hasn't exactly left her destination, Kent in a blaze of glory either.

Queen Katherine saw through a slash and burn system in Kent, bringing in £340 million cuts and setting off a plan to remove 1500 jobs over four years. A vital thing to do in these stringent times it seems. What better to save the country that to sack 1500 people, and end up paying the poor souls unemployment benefit. After all we are all in this together.

So anyway, back to Queen Katherine. Now it seems she it out of there. Made redundant after just 16 spectacular months of destroying peoples lives, her life is now in tatters as she signs on the dole. Oh hang on, no of course not. She was after all on £200,000 a year in this job, so she may have been able to save a bit for those hard times ahead. Having said that, she still could have a bit of trouble and as the council have been every so rude in sacking her, perhaps they should give her a little payoff to help her along. Yes, that's right, £20,000 maybe? No? £50,000 then at a stretch?

No of course not, this is a person who is over half as important as the Royals don't forget, and has had the hard task of sacking 1500 people. Here have £420,000 to help you along.

Like I said, these people think they are gods, they tell us how important they are, how vital they are, they can demand the earth, and it seems there is always someone idiotic enough to believe them. So round and round they go, doing the job, moving on, doing the job and moving on. They really are quite clever ain't they?

Katherine Kerswell, smiling all the way to the bank.

The Friday Fry-Up - 15th June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Had great fun watching the French Open over the weekend especially with my desire Maria Sharapova winning, the reason I had my bedroom soundproofed (give me a call when you want Maria, I am ready for you again).
Anyway, the woman's tournament was where it was at, what with the interminable ball bouncing before serving from Djokovic and Nadal. Also what the hell is it with Nadal and his nose and ear flicking every time to prepares to serve? They have a cheek having a go at the ladies grunting after that joke.
Also clay, what the hell is that all about? The only good thing for clay is making pots, not bleeding tennis court surfaces.


A £4 million lottery winner appeared in court this week after being charged with benefit fraud. He seeked no publicity when he won the jackpot off Camelot, and after appearing on at least one cover of the national newspapers its fair to say that it worked very well.


Always having been a bit concerned about the lack of awareness of Northampton, and the often confusion between Northampton and Nottingham, it was even more concerning that even the person pretending to be The Queen on Twitter managed to get Northampton mixed up with Nottingham on Wednesday.


Poor old Harry Rednapp has found himself out of a job despite having pretty good success, unfortunately pretty good success counts for nothing in football. Fortunately though after the 19th June, I am sure there will be a national side looking for a new manager.


Fast Girls is at the cinemas from today. This sounded just like my kind of film. Then I heard that it was really full of lots of racy girls, and it sounded even better. Then I heard it was about athletics...


We have seen both Madonna's breast and her bum in the last week in her stage shows. So expect to see Midge, I mean Madge getting her, erm toenails out soon.
On the bright side at 53, I understand that she is just old enough to have got Wayne Rooney up for his return next Tuesday.


So England started off with an "awesome" draw against France the other night and tonight to help their chances of getting out the group they need to beat Sweden who they have never beaten in a competitive game before. Plane tickets home ordered?


Anyway back to Maria and let's have a close up of them red knickers again to pass the time.

World Naked Bike Ride London 2012: Pants Off Again

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The Friday Fry-Up - 8th June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Top Cat The Movie 3D - Why?


Ricky Martin I see won The Apprentice. Awesome, he has always been my Hero.


At last we can be proud of one of the Mitchell family from Eastenders. Well done Leanne!


I know it seems to be wrong, she is what 66? 70? Not sure, but...

I know its wrong really, but you know? I read the papers, she is isn't she? She's just so, dirty. I would be happy to get trapped in a car with her, I am sure that we can find something to pass the time...


The Queen's Jubilee Concert was good in parts, bad in parts and I am not looking at anyone in particular when I say bad (Cheryl Cole, Cliff Richatd, Robbie Williams and JLS), its only fair to concentrate on the good. The visual good for a Small Mind was undoubtably the lovely tiny person Kylie:

While unquestionable the fun part has to go to one of a Small Mind's favourites, Madness.

This performance was enhanced by a most superb projection on the Queen's gaff.


Transit of Venus was awesome, well so I was told. I was asleep.


It's all kicking off in the Ukraine tonight. There will also be some football as well.


This Friday Fry-Up seems a bit sparse this week, I bet you are all happy about that. Consider it a light breakfast...

A Small Mind sponsored by Hemorrhoids 'R' Not Us

There has been massive controversy over the last few days regarding the influence of sponsors on the 2012 London Olympics and the torch relay. It is without doubt that sponsorship has stolen what was once a great sporting event. Like football, loot has destroyed the authenticity of the game. It has made the quality better, there is no question, but the money makes the bile rise in the throat.

Sports stars, once proud to play for their country, now check their bank balance to make sure it is worth the effort to do so. Am I getting enough money from my sponsors to be bothered to make this effort? And with the money the whole event is sold out to the sponsors. They control everything.


If you were lucky enough to get a ticket for the Olympics, when you attend the event you need to make sure that the only thing you drink is Coca-Cola, the only thing you eat is a Big Mac, and you only make your purchases with Visa. My phone is a Samsung, so they wouldn't remove that at the gate because, you guessed it, they are official "partners" as well. If your trainers are not Adidas, you may find yourself in bare feet for the event too. If you get a chocolate bar out during your stay, just make sure that it is Cadbury's or your sugar intake might be gone.

All in all, it makes you feel proud.

The sponsors have also had their heavy hand on the Olympic torch relay, with their nice publicity seeking carriers. Why else would Will.I.Am be carrying the torch? Jedward too, and Didier Drogba as well, this gets it all in the papers, and the sponsors love it. It might be wrong, it may be sick, but we have to keep the sponsors happy. So what if the youngest ever British Olympian Kenneth Lester, who was coxswain in 1960, doesn't get to carry the torch. As long as Indian Steel magnet and official Olympic supporter, Lakshmi Mittal and his son get to buy, sorry honourably gain their chance to carry the flame.

Lakshmi Mittal: I am richy and I know it,

Sponsors they cry, are helping pay for the event, without them, we would all have to pay more to stage the event. However as already suggested above, sponsors are just driving the cost of these events up. When the sponsors finally find they have had enough, we shall all step back and watch our sports implode, especially football which is just out of control.

A more ironic situation is the iron fist that the IOC holds over the Olympics, condemning and banning anyone who uses the Olympics, the term 2012 and the rings in any little way, while selling its soul to an endless number of huge, multi-million pound entities. Even proud British filmmaker Noel Clarke has come up against Olympic bosses after he was banned from featuring the Olympics as the background for his new film Fast Girls.

Having said all these nasty things however about the Olympics, I will wave my flag and be an avid viewer in fifty days time when it all begins. Despite all the corruption of money, I still feel proud of the true effort that our athletes make and wish them all well as I drink my Pepsi, eat my KFC, while sitting in my Nike trainers. All having been purchased with my Mastercard. I am sure that it will all look great on my LG television.

Jubilicious!

The long weekend of the Jubilee celebrations has once again separated the nation. Not those that have got the bank holidays off and those not, but those that wave their flags happily and those that would take the queer old deen's head 'orf.

From A Small Mind's opinion I am more than happy with the Royal family. Yesterday saw an event that only a country with a Royal family could herald. Yes it rained, yes it was grim, but only the most miserable of people could not be inspired by the sights on the Thames yesterday. I make no bones about the fact that I enjoyed it. I do not need to defend myself.

I am happier with a Queen than I would be with a Queen, sorry President Cameron. For those complaining about the cost of this unelected monstrosity, what the hell would you spend that 50 odd pence on if not them? If they gave you back that 50p you could buy another can of beer I suppose and that would make you proud and bring the tourists in to watch you fall on your arse drunk.

The old boating fun yesterday has also come under fire for that other enforced so-called monster that is the BBC. Yes it was dumbed down as Stephen Fry and many others tweeted, but sadly that is the case with all TV now. The world sadly demands it, there are not enough of us intellects(!) about any more to warrant "proper" telly. Imagine how ITV, Channel 4 or Channel 5 (who of course we don't pay for, yeah, right...) would have shown the event. Ant and Dec standing dancing about on Waterloo Bridge and the X-Factor man shouting "HERE COMES ANOTHER BOAT!". Channel 4 would have Ortis Deley falling over his lines and probably the side of the bridge screaming. While on Channel 5 we would have commentary sanctioned by Richard "tits out" Desmond heralding the appearance of the the Duchess of Cambridge nips as the cold took its toll, and the cameraman told to get a good shot of Pippa's arse.

"Some more boats after this break."

Anyway, I was happy with the event. I am not that much of a monarchist that I would stand out in the rain waving my flag watching boats pass, although it is true to say that I did spend time yesterday at a Jubilee Picnic standing in a field in the rain (a guilty habit). As I sank knee deep in mud I thought thank you Ma'am for making this happen.

******

As a side note to the event yesterday, special mention has to go to Bob Hale of Horrible Histories for his stirring performance live in the rain telling us a potted history of the Thames. Here it is once again:

The Friday Fry-Up - 1st June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.

After almost ten years since their original breakup, the least known/active lady of S Club 7 released her music video of her first solo record. Famous mainly since for wearing a "dress", Tina's video for the song has to be one of the naffest ever, with the impact of those non-impact punches towards the end. I suspect that Ridley Scott was not responsible for this mess.

Just watched Chloe Sevigny in Hit And Miss, who A Small Mind has always been a fan of. Now however after finding that she seems to be packing a piece I am not so sure. After hiding it away in the opening credits, you have to wonder if she has ever asked "Does my bum look weird like this?"

A report stated this week that there were not enough women in the boardrooms of our businesses. Too right, those teas and coffees are not going to make themselves and who is going to clean the mugs?


There is a suggestion that when Greece's finances finally collapse there will be an influx of Greek people to our shores to prosper and that the Government is trying to draw up plans to prevent this. However those that look like Eurovision entrant Eleftheria Elefteriou are very welcome in A Small Mind's trouser department.

The Government this week reversed the hot pasty tax that they bought in in the previous budget. I now look forward to seeing a lot more hot baps again as a result.

I see that a new film set in the Alien universe is out today, I feel the need for a totally gratuatous image of Sigourney Weaver aka Ripley in her pants. I thank you.

UK Athletics head coach Charles Van Commenee has allegedly called our delightful heptathlete Jessica Ennis fat. A Small Mind was interested in this statement and has spent a great deal of time this week inspecting various images and videos of Jess in action and I am happy to confirm that as a result there is no evidence of any fatness upon the glorious Jess's body. My trousers however have shown certain expansion during periods of the inspection.

Tonight on BBC 1 there is exclusive access to the Queen's home movies. Whether these are the same as Kim Kardashian's, Paris Hilton's and Abi Titmuss is unknown. Some hopefully unrelated words have leaked out such as Philip, leather, corgi's and nice pairs of jewels that bring concern, but lets hope is just Prince Charles in his shorts and the Queen having a go at Karaoke.

I have just realised after reading what I have written in this weeks fry-up that I have not accomodated my female audience (unless you bat for the otherside, pics and videos welcome), so I thought that I would end this weeks fry with a picture for you ladies out there.