The Friday Fry-Up: Olympics Special - 27th July 2012

Cashing in on the Olympics...


Tried to get another job working for G4S at the Olympics this week saying that I was a pat-down specialist, specializing in female checking. Sadly they didn't buy it, and told me I would have to feel knobs as well to do the job. I felt a few dicks but drew the line at patting down Simon Cowell when he came through the checkpoint.


Planning on watching a bit of Women's Football, not for the game but to try and guess which one I would. Also which one would back, or which would play in the bushes.


It has been reported this week that it is irresponsible for athletes and sports stars to front ad campaigns for fast food outlets or junk food. Too right, you would never find me, a natural athlete, lowering themselves to this in the need for money.
Now a message from my sponsor:

The sublime Twenty Twelve comedy series finished this week. Having sent up the Olympics deliverance committee for two series, it was clear at the end that it just hadn't been realistic enough. It really was not daft enough.


I am afraid that I have to confirm that I am 95% unfit for the Olympics, I yesterday incurred a slight strain in the index finger of my right hand. Unfortunately due to this I am going to suffer substantial pain as this is the main finger that I use for changing channels on my remote.


Woke to a tremendous ringing in my ears this morning. Not "All The Bells", but my damn Tinnitus is back again.


North Korea had a cheek walking out to an honest mistake the other day. What is frankly a mistake of a country, with the most appalling human rights issues should not get on their hind horse about this. They need to grow up, especially their leader.


Finally I would like to take this opportunity to say that I am excited by the Olympics and have sadly had to hear endless people going on about how they hate it, wish we had never won it and have heard enough about it. All I would like to say here is that I am now fed up with all you that have endlessly complained that you hate it, wish we had never won it and have heard enough about it.

The Friday Fry-Up - 20th July 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


The Boss Bruce Springsteen and Sir Paul McCartney were rudely unplugged on Saturday night due to them passing there noise curfew. All I can say to this is where the hell were these guys when Cheryl Cole was polluting the air during the Jubilee concert?


What the hell does G4S boss have on his head. I am sure that it is next doors guinea pig.

Finally gave up on summer for this year and got out the winter coats. It has been so depressing so far this year, that I watched Wallander again to lighten my mood. I believe in the middle of July, you are not meant to stand and think which coat you are going to put on when you go out. #summerrage


Nadal has withdrawn from the Olympics I see for this year, so Andy Murray is going to have to come up with some other reason for not winning again.


Poor Amir Khan he gets knocked down, and he gets back up again, he gets knocked down, and still won't retire. He needs to give up like Audrey Harrison did and just go on Strictly Come Dancing. Although he may well get knocked out in the first round...


Following Lord Coe's interview this morning regarding "possibly" being able to wear Nike trainers among other things, I think it would be safe to assume that the best bet is for people to go naked to the Olympics. At least then it will be very much in the tradition of the ancient Olympics where competitors competed in the nude. The very thought of which has made me come over all dizzy having thought who is competing.

At least Victoria Pendleton is already ahead of the game in this respect.

Off to have a lie down now with all these thoughts...

The Friday Fry-Up - 13th July 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


It was a shame that Andy Murray didn't quite win on Sunday. What about his speech though, it didn't half make me cry. It went on that long that Countryfile didn't come on, on time.


Went to see if I could get a job on the Olympic security team this week, but they said that I looked a bit shifty, so they gave it to the chap with the hook instead.


Tulisa Contostavlos was victorious in her court case this week over "that" video. She immediately went home and celebrated by making a video...


John Terry has been found not guilty of racism, humility case still pending.


Another unpleasant incident at a "Free Cash Machine" this week, I am sorry if I am really slow in understanding, the policeman did try to speak slowly. However I think the armed response was a little extreme, as I tried to explain I had reached into my pocket for my banana and two plums as I had skipped breakfast. Where would I possibly get hold of a gun?


This week saw the sixty-second anniversary of the release of Etch-A-Sketch, a relic of the past, and childhood memories of which we shall never see the like again. Hang on, got to go, I have had a notification from DrawSomething that it is my turn to play, let me leave you with a picture of a cat...

The Friday Fry-Up - 6th July 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Another gorgeous lady made a great escape this week from the insane Tom Cruise. I reckon what he needs to do is find someone more in tune with his brainwaves, with less emphasis on looks, and by jove I think I have found her. I am a veritable match-maker extraordinaire.

Now the team at CERN have found the Higgs Boson (so they say), I challenge them to find these things next:
#1 - Harry Styles pictured out with a younger lady.
#2 - An honest Bank Chief Executive.
#3 - Eric Pickle's leaving some chocolate cake on his plate.


The scarily tall Shard was finally finished this week in London making the Gherkin look as feeble as me standing naked next to the equally naked Michael Fassbender.

I had the misfortune to catch Embarrassing Bodies: Live from the Clinic this week and was immediately confronted by a giant cock. Fortunately Dr Christian Jessen was not onscreen all the time and some time was spent viewing the rather lovely Dr Dawn Harper, who was kind enough to have a lovely short skirt on which enabled me to make a thorough examination. There did follow a report though that made A Small Mind quite happy, breaking the wonderful news that his member isn't actually that small.
The whole concept of this show though really is rather bizarre, waggling your dick or boobs over webcam live for Channel 4. While watching those double KK baps this week, I felt the need to make sure that money was not being removed from my credit card.


Interesting to see that druggie on Question Time last night. Not sure if Johnny Rotten enjoyed sitting next to Louise Mensch though. She talked about drugs effecting her mentally also, I presume that was the period when she was writing her books.


The comic genius that was Eric Sykes died this week.