The Friday Fry-Up - 25th May 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.

I went to see the begining of the Olympic Flame relay on Saturday and spent over two hours waiting for the arrival. Finally realised that I had got the map upside down and was in the wrong place.

Spent all of Saturday night in a police cell after an altercation at a "Free Cash Machine". I mean how was I meant to understand what that really means?

I see this week that not long after we were all able to take a P again thanks to the return of Blockbusters, we may now see the return of Catchphrase too. For A Small Mind the eighties was where is was to be, the best decade ever and with all these returns he has never felt so in fashion.


I see that the new Big Brother house has been revealed this week and the plan is for it to be a den of iniquity. Where do I sign the forms?


With the weather hitting red hot temperatures, A Small Mind stripped off all, and I mean all ladies and topped up his tan in the garden.
How was I to know that the Rose Garden of the local park was not "appropriate" for this kind of thing.


My main member is now red hot. Not because of the sun, but because I have just finished seeing Nicole Kidman in The Paperboy previews and Kylie's new music video "Timebomb".


I see that the TV series House has just finished in the US. I have never seen the series, but who would have guessed that a show about a bingo hall could run for eight years.

A Small Mind is primed and ready for the glories ahead in tomorrows annual Eurovision Song Contest. Whether it be ancient grannies or flailing haired freaks (yes, Jedward, looking at you), I will sacrifice numerous hours of my life as usual with little reward. If I survive, as last year expect a full review sometime...

Just a week after that other disco queen Donna Summer passed away, disco king Robin Gibb has also died. A Small Mind donned his famous white suit and jived on down to one of their many hits.

A Small Mind And The Indian Scammers.

Tuesday this week saw another of the regular calls from our friends who tell us that our computers are INFESTED and going to DIE soon, unless we let them help us. Having tended to have a little fun with them in the past. A Small Mind thought that he would choose this day to have a lot of fun with them and string them along for a while, and I mean a while. Planning on taking the time, I thought that it would be nice to record it for posterity...

The Friday Fry-Up - 18th May 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Following the staggering victory of Pudsey the dancing dog, it has been confirmed that a world tour is shortly to begin. Concern has already been raised regarding the South Korea leg of the tour.


I can confirm that A Small Minds prowess has always been impressive and therefore is has come as no surprise that I will be acting as the main male member in the recently confirmed movie version of "Fifty Shades Of Grey".


Upon hearing news that our dear friend Rebekah Brooks is being charged with all them naughty things, her equally sinister husband protested that the poor old bat would never get a fair trial because of all that vicious media type stuff. Much akin to all the shit the News of the Scum preached about really innocent people.


Happily described as a witch hunt by Rebekah, A Small Mind rubs his hands with excitement because he knows that these always end with a bit of excitement and most certainly the just deserts.


Greece most certainly is not the word, the word is Drachma.


Bought a share in Facebook, this time next year I will be a millionaire!


Got a bucket of water at the ready for that flame when it passes by.


Finally it is farewell to that lady that I do all my disco jiving to when not disco jiving to the Bee Gees. R.I.P. Donna Summer.

GUILTY!

Last night, I was dreaming 
I was locked in a prison cell 
When I woke up, I was screaming 
Calling out your name 

And the judge and the jury 
They all put the blame on me 
They wouldn't go for my story 
They wouldn't hear my plea 

Only you can set me free 
'Cos I'm guilty (guilty) 
Guilty as a girl can be 
Come on baby can't you see 
I stand accused of hacking in the first degree 

Guilty, of hacking in the first degree 

Someday, I believe it 
You will come to my rescue 
Unchain my heart you're keeping 
And let me start anew 

The hours pass so slowly 
Since they've thrown away the key 
Can't you see that I'm lonely 
Won't you help me be

Guilty, of hacking in the first degree 

Guilty, of hack
Guilty, of hacking 
Guilty, of hack
Guilty, of hacking 
Guilty, of hacking in the first degree 



Allegedly... 

Pudsey The Dancing Dog - One Year On

Excepts from the journals of Pudsey the Dancing Dog - Winner of the 2012 series of Britain's Got Talent
(Translated from the woofs by Doctor Doolittle Jr.)


13th May 2013
I hate the ground that that full-mast trouser wearing prick stands on. Simon Cowell, I wouldn't lick your balls, I would bite the bastards off.
I write this, sitting locked in my room in the animal section of the Priory. My doctor tells me that the addiction needs these extreme measures. What started off in those hallowed days of success in May 2012 and an over consumption of some prize Winalot, spiralled out of control. I couldn't stop it, and that is why I find myself here, locked in this godforsaken kennel.

17th June 2013
Over a month in here and not a prize cut of beef in all that time. I feel better though, I really do.
My doctor took me for a walk again today and for the first time I didn't try and break free from my lead and eat a duck from the lake. The doctor patted me and and gave me a biscuit.

21st June 2013
I was weighed this morning. I have apparently lost two stone in the five weeks I have been here.

27th June 2013
Ashleigh came to see me today, the first damn time since they locked me up here. I gave her everything, without me she would still be in that cesspit that is Northamptonshire.

12th July 2013
I now feel much better in myself. I have been told that I am over the micro-chip addiction that I developed on the back streets of LA.

10th August 2013
Today was the day, I have been released from The Priory. My doctor tells me that I have made a full recovery. There is even a chance that I may dance again, but not with that turncoat Ashleigh, I have heard that she has three performing cats on America's Got Talent. I shall find a new artist to perform with, however I first have an appointment with some balls that are in need of biting.

The Friday Fry-Up - 11th May 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Britain's Got Talent on everyday this week. I am absolutely giddy with excitement...


Mad bad Nadine Dorries was spouting off again at the weekend, and for once she was nearly making some sense. Stating that the end was nigh for poor old Cameron and Clegg.


However a couple of days later it was so lovely to see the happy couple renewing their wedding vows. Fortunately we were spared the kiss.


The loving looks that Clegg and Cameron were giving one another was apparently what caused Barack Obama to come out...
... regarding his support for Gay marriage.


What's the difference between Nancy Dell'olio and Pudsey on Britain's Got Talent?


Red head on the rack. Not my cellar, its the Leveson enquiry!


I saw that the Incredible Hulk was fifty years old this week. A few people that I was out recently with didn't like me when I turned green. Without doubt that food was off, and I can only apologise for bringing it back over that ladies lovely smart dress.


Just got back from a screening of How I Spent My Summer Vacation. Had a car run at me in the car park, slapped in the face by the chap who took my ticket and was racially abused by the lady who bought the ice creams round. Apparently it was all part of the Mel Gibson experience.


Edited highlights of Prince Charles' wonderful weather forecast:
"The north shall see rather a lot of that filthy rainy stuff, therefore sadly you are lightly to get pissed on."
"The wind in the west is going to be terribly annoying to one's hair. It can get awfully unmanageable at the best of times, this simply won't do."
"The south however shall see some jolly nice sun, so one shall have to be careful that ones giant ears don't get sunburned."
"The midlands will see some miserable conditions, but that is only because Edward and Andrew are visiting the area."

At A Cinema Near You May 11th

Day one: I called that black guy a ******* ***** ******.
Day two: I drank a shit load of drink and spend off down the highway at 130mph.
Day three: I slapped that bitch good and proper.
Day four: I ******* broke that ******* restraining-order and slapped that bitch again.
Day five: That guy wearing that Kippah, I told him to ******* **** ** ****.
Day six: I smashed that ******* bar to a pulp.
Day seven: I made a new movie, I hope you come and see it.

Opening this Friday at a Cinema near you:

MEL GIBSON
in
HOW I ALLEGEDLY SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION

"He was soooo awesome, he broke my jaw in several places." Woman B

"His performance was so good, when he told me to 'Suck my ******* ****, you ****!', I really believed he meant it." Man wearing headgear C

"The way that car seemed totally out of control seemed so realistic. He done all his own stunts." Highway Patrol Officer F

"I hope there is a ******* sequel, he spent so much money, but it did help pay for the repairs." Barman H