Theatre Review: The Duck House at the Vaudeville Theatre, London

From the moment Ben Miller strides onto the stage of the Vaudeville and delivers a concise and funny introduction to proceedings, I got the uncanny feeling that I was going to like this play. A lot.

Written by Dan Patterson (Mock the Week) and Colin Swash (Have I Got News For You and Private Eye), this is a comedy (read farce) of the highest order. Set in May 2009, that wonderful time when our beloved MP's were exposed as the expenses villains we now know them as, this is near the knuckle stuff. The early part takes great joy in creating comedy from what we now know, lampooning many that were later to be in government in a very knowing and very funny way.

The lead roll of MP on the turn Robert Houston is played with delicious exuberance by Ben Miller, when needed, channeling the supreme reaches of an out of control Basil Fawlty, while still being able to deliver those so subtle jokes so well. He just seems not only perfect for the role, but totally enjoying it. Making it all the better for us.

Having seen Miller on television a great deal, none of this is really a surprise. Simon Shepherd though for me was a standout surprise. Very much more familiar for serious roles, his part in this as Sir Norman Cavendish is a revelation. Giving his all, especially in his hysterical second act performance, he really was the surprise of the play.

The rest of the cast were unfamiliar to me (yes even Diana Vickers, what is The X-Factor?!?) but without a shadow of a doubt all are superb. Off the four Debbie Chazen is the best (Add Russian accent "Hello"); sadly very much underused in the second act, as Russian housekeeper Ludmilla. Pretty much stealing every scene she appears in, she is a delight.

That is not to detract from the remaining three performers, with Nancy Carroll superb as the technophobe wife Felicity Hoffman, and James Musgrave pulling off several costumes with style and verve, yes even that *spoilers* suit as son Seb. Diana Vickers has less to do as Seb's girlfriend Holly, only appearing in the second act, but having a "hard hitting" role and the best costume of the show, even more than that *spoiler* suit. Although I may be biased in that.

The set is perfect also, with the first act being very much a farce set, standard living room laden with goods (not sure who paid for them), while the second act set is bang on and neatly presented at the start by a startled Miller.

There is no question that if it is humanly possible for you to get to see this play then you should. Some of the funniest moments you are likely to see this year (or next), be it TV, film or theatre. Featuring the best acupuncture joke I have ever heard, the best use of a *spoiler* suit ever, impressive use of dairy product in a running gag and a cast performance from the gods. Please stop reading this and go and buy a ticket will you, but I am afraid that you are paying...

The Duck House is on at the Vaudeville Theatre, London until March 29th 2014.
www.vaudeville-theatre.co.uk/The-Duck-House.html

BREAKING NEWS: Father Christmas Pulls Out Of Northampton

In a news exclusive, a Small Mind can reveal that following lengthy talks with Legal & General, the seasonal visit of Father Christmas on the 25th December will now not be taking place.

In an exclusive interview, Mr Christmas said "Ho Ho Ho Ho. Residents of Northampton! I am so very sorry that my sleigh will not be passing over the skies of your fair town this year. I had been in talks for many months with Legal & General over terms, and unfortunately despite my very best efforts, I was unable to come to an agreement that met with my requirements. I hope to return, full of joy, with bells a ringing and sleigh a sleighing next year."

This news was surprising to residents of the town when I revealed it to them yesterday.

A resident "This is terrible news, my little boy is going to be traumatised now with this and will likely be in rehab for years to come!"

Another resident: "I can't believe this is happening! How am I going to explain all them toys that have pushed my credit card over the limit?"

A further resident: "Ahhhhhh a talking brain! In a jar!"

A Small Mind was unclear regarding the leverage of Legal & General in the town, so I consulted an expert for an explanation.

Eamonn Fitzpatrick (local businessman): "Three pound of potatoes for a pound. Any bowl of bananas a pound! This lengthy cucumber can be yours love for 80p. All my produce is better than that tat in Tescos."

A Small Mind then consulted another expert.

Mr Willy Gilder (BBC Radio Northampton political expert): "Well it turns out that rather surprisingly Legal & General have somewhat more power in the town than was first thought. I have discovered in papers hiding under Mr David Mackintosh's (leader of the council) desk that earlier this year Legal & General obtained the air rights within the town boundary and since then have held all the negotiations for air traffic. Therefore Mr Christmas was required to obtain air clearance for his sleigh to deliver all the parcels for the little girls and boys. This it would seem he was unable to obtain and has therefore had no choice but to pull out of Northampton."

With this shocking news discovered, a Small Mind spoke to several air users within the town for their opinions.

An air user: "I am outraged, my daddy took me to Abington Park and while I was playing with my remote controlled air plane, a man approached and asked whether we had clearance to use the air space. My daddy was then made to pay a fine from my pocket money! WAAAAAHHH!"

Another air user: "Mummy refused to pay that man the fine and he cut the string on my kite! WAAAAHHHH!"

A further air user: "Quack! Quack! Quackety! Quack! Quack!"

In an attempt to get further information, a Small Mind then contacted the Chronicle & Echo newspaper and through editor David Summers a statement was obtained from Northampton Borough Council.

"The news that Mr Father Christmas will not be visiting this year is off course unfortunate, however the Council has been working hard with Legal & General in obtaining an adequate replacement. Therefore we are happy to announce that following long negotiations, the wonderful locally based 99p stores will be providing quality toys from their range. These will all be delivered to little boys and little girls who have been nice and not naughty this year. We are hopeful that all deliveries will be made by the 30th January 2014.

We are also hopeful that negotiations can be resolved for Mr Father Christmas' involvement within the town next year."

Therefore, despite this obvious sad news. Having seen one of the plastic toys that will be this years presents and the quite splendid ribbon (20 metres for 99p) that is tied around it, it is obvious that the best has been made of an unfortunate incident.

The leader of Northampton Borough Council, Mr David Mackintosh was unavailable for comment.

TV Review: BBC Cold War Season - LEGACY

Dowdy, grim, dark, moody, country hit by an energy crisis, hardly a character smiling, this drama was set in England of 2013, oh I mean 1974. And what a drama it was!

Solid acting, a strong non sensational and intelligent story, a lack of unnecessary "action" set-pieces. This was a perfect, if dull (in the style, not quality sense) drama. Everything that a drama of the period needed to be.

Lead Charlie Cox as rookie spy Charles Thoroughgood, was an actor unfamiliar to me, but appearing in pretty much every scene, he gave a quality performance as the spy with a complicated history.

Romola Garai however was an actress I had been in love with since her turn in The Hour, a bright and glossy role, far removed from the dowdy, but still beautiful Anna March. In a relatively slim role, Romola did all that was required, looking mostly glum with her husband and glowing (love struck?) with Charlie.

The spy boss (either at his desk or the local cafe), Hookey, was played by the very familiar to me Simon Russell Beale, having seen him rattling off words to the dozen in the Harold Pinter play The Hot House earlier in the year. It was unusual to see this actor having less lines in an hour and half than he probably had in a minute earlier in the year. However as to be expected of such a renowned stage actor, it proved a doddle and he filled every scene he was in.

Finally Andrew Scott as the Russian spy was an interesting proposition, mainly known as the insane, squeeky voiced Moriaty in Sherlock. Hearing him deliver his lines with a strong (maybe too caricatured?) Russian accent was weird. However he was OK, although undoubtedly the weakest of the four leads.

The visual appeal of the play was exemplary, the washed out, grainy look suited the piece perfectly. Although like many of these "gritty" dramas, I really could have done without the never still camera work.

Also a special mention for the very strong music from Ruth Barrett, highly commanding when it needed to be (striding across a field) but equally contemplative when required. An aural feast!

Overall though, this was an excellent, intelligent drama, maybe not for those who have a constant need for action, but for those that require a fix away from witchetty grubs and other brainless reality shows this was the perfect antidote!

BBC iPlayer: http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/b03k3cc2/ available until Thursday 5th December 2013

FOR SALE: SEKHEMKA MACKIMUS

The rarely sort after Sekhemka Mackimus is shortly to be made available for sale in an attempt to remove misguided and total one vision management from the organisation known as Northampton Borough Council.

It has become clear to those under the influence of the aforementioned item that whenever it comes up with an idea or plan for its dominions, this must be passed at all costs. No idea is too outlandish and neither must any plan not be fulfilled despite any possible disinterest or concern of the peasants under his order.

Sometimes regarded as a god by those that kneel at his feet, the Sekhemka Mackimus is an uncontrollable force that hopes at all times to do good for all those beneath him. However like many that assume power, he now knows no wrong and has at his control the baying hoards in the chambers known as the Guildhallus.

There are many however that are concerned at the power and control that this forceful grinning person has become and the dominions have revolted and having passed a charter for its removal, the item known as Sekhemka Mackimus is shortly to go up for sale on Internet auction site eBay.

A reserve of 99p will be set with the hope of achieving at least £10 to cover postage and packing costs. There is the hope that a buyer can be found overseas, but all are realistic that this may not be achievable at this current time.


Once the sale is completed for Sekhemka Mackimus there will then also be a fire sale of another troublesome object elsewhere in the town, the Satyr Harkerus.

Blocked By The Leader Of The Gang, I Am! - David Mackintosh And His Northampton Borough Council

For those that follow me on Twitter (countable on one deformed hand), I am sure it could be agreed that I am not the most evil of evilness on what can be a place of terrible material. However it turns out that by way of humorous, political and apparently cutting comment, I have found myself blocked by the most worthy of worthy people, the leader of Northampton Borough Council.

Oh! I thought. What foul thing did I send him to cause such a thing to happen? I could not recall sending him a death threat, a bomb threat, or a threat to shave his pussy cat (if indeed he has one). Perhaps in a drunken stupor I sent some foul slur upon thigh and tipped forth him over the edge. However to be fair, I am as likely to ever get in a drunken stupor as have a sordid night of passionate sex with Kylie Minogue, Emma Watson, Victoria Pendleton, Maria Sharapova and Anne Widdecombe (all at the same time).

So not really knowing what had tipped him over the edge, I investigated and it turned out it was one of these tweets:

@NorthamptonBC I know the market sq "fountain" is caput, but would is be difficult to keep the clock working? @WillyGilder @davidmackintosh

@NorthamptonBC @davidmackintosh Enterprise to take just two green bags of waste a week. Oh how we laughed! @WillyGilder @ChronandEcho

#ThatAwkwardMoment when @Stuart_Linnell asks @davidmackintosh some cricket questions on @BBCNorthampton

@ChronandEcho We were all spared the sight of @davidmackintosh hanging naked off the wrecking ball then. #phew

@NorthamptonBC @davidmackintosh As Enterprise take all bags second week, whose time & money did they waste? @WillyGilder @ChronandEcho

Notes From A Small Mind: Grand Theft Auto: Northampton - http://fromasmallmind.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/grand-theft-auto-northampton.html … @callum_jones22 @ChronEditor @davidmackintosh

@davidmackintosh "Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground."

in reply to

Construction work has started today at Railway Station in Northampton. Great news for town #northamptonalive pic.twitter.com/0vUdPLpw3Y

So pretty random but conclusively one of these had caused the public employed leader of the council to take a turn for the worse and block me from following him.

Well, I thought, I am sure worst thing have been sent to him, so I reckoned for someone so high up in the echelons of politics he really must have thin skin, or maybe like many politicians in power he just knows best and the people who pay his wages are just wrong and stupid.

So leader of the council, an important job, but my thin skinned friend has he eyes set much higher in the future with his plans to hopefully stand as Conservative MP in my area. So this got me thinking even more, if he is unable to take the above for the leader of the council position, is he truly cut out for the benches of Westminster? Surely the above is going to be small beef for what is to come if he is lucky enough to take up this position.

So as not to make this a total attack on Mr Macintosh though, I have to say I admire his position of always believing he knows the best thing for Northampton. I disagree over many of his ideas that is true, but as a leader, he sure seems to know how to get what he wants, no matter how disastrous maybe some of it is to become in the future. We all need strong leaders, I suppose, but my fear with some people, they just always seem to think they know the right thing to do and just can't see that just once in a while, they might, just might be wrong on something...

GRAND THEFT AUTO: NORTHAMPTON

Arriving in the shops today is the latest ground breaking game in the hit series. Set across a sprawling ten square miles of the English county of Northamptonshire, the game sees serial criminal Kingsley Heath relocated to the new patch following a daring escape from the gangland world of Swindon.

Featuring miles of inner town ghettos and stiff upper-lipped countryside to explore the game features fifty stunningly diverse missions.

Missions include:

M1.10
Struggling to get on in the new town, Kingsley has to take on the roll of fountain cleaner on the town market. With dynamic physics and stunning graphics, you must keep control of the out of control urine and faeces that keep appearing in the water. Mission complete after accumulation of 10 tons of waste matter.

On completion of M1.9 the first town unlock occurs and Abington Street becomes accessible to traffic.

M2.1
Following the opening of Abington Street to traffic, chaos ensues as an epidemic of out of control five year olds find themselves in danger from vehicular transportation. Your task this mission is to save one hundred children in five minutes from the perils of un-pedestrianisation.

M2.10
The sedate and pleasant locale of Kislingbury Lawn Bowls Club is being terrorised by the evil rogue radio DJ John Griff and his bowl polishing machinations. With grip gone and bowls flying in all directions endangering the old members, you must team up with Griff's Radio Northampton colleague Helen Blaby and rough all the bowls up before the Presidents Cup.

Upon completion of M2.10, the second map unlock occurs adding a further three square miles of play area with the opening of this roadway:

M3.05
Kingsley finds himself in the pay of an unscrupulous building developer and given control of a bulldozer, he is tasked with "accidentally" destroying a listed building that the land owner has been having trouble with. You have 90 seconds to destroy the building before the police arrive.

M3.10
Market Stallholder Eamonn "Fitzy" Fitzpatrick needs your help and quick. A criminal market trader has flooded the fruit and veg trade with exploding plums and carrots. You have three minutes to clear the stalls of the explosives before disaster strikes.

Upon completion of M3.10 A greater part of the Sixfields area opens up for play:

M4.01
Chronicle & Echo sports writer Jefferson Lake is concerned when Northampton Town start winning games and with the aid of colleague Callum Jones and editor Steve Summers they discover the team has been duplicated by alien replicas under a slow infiltration of the planet Earth. In control of a fixed cannon, Kingsley must defend Sixfields from the ever increasing numbers of alien invaders.

M4.10
The black bin bags are out of control. Piling up in the street, Enterprise have no way of containing them. Controlling a super bin lorry, you have two days to clear the streets of rubbish before Northampton is buried under a mountain of waste.

M5.03
The Northampton Clowns are out of control. Increasing in numbers every day, Kingsley must use his hosepipe to remove one hundred fake wigs and noses before the town becomes a total circus.

M5.10
Following a botched genetic experiment, Northampton Kingpin David Macintosh is infected with harmful material and grows to magnificent proportions. Having gone insane he threatens all of the inhabitants of Northampton. In control of a gunship, Kingsley finds himself in the final battle to save the town. As David Macintosh hangs from the lift tower can you finally overcome the monstrosity he has become?

Television Review: Blackout

Following a fine tradition of British docudramas that have included The War Game and Threads, Channel 4's Blackout set out to depict several days in Britain following a nationwide electricity failure.

Supposedly this could be a very real threat in the near future and the programme depicted the event through the eyes of several characters in a very impressive and understandable way. From the mother and child to the Tom Good character, it provided the stark truth of life in such an event.

Using camera footage and and real life footage we were left feeling pretty much repulsed by what could and indeed what did happen with regard the 2011 riots. So much footage from those riots was used, it could have been hard to have even made the programme effectively without them. However before them riots, maybe a drama like this would have been less effective. Since them though, we "the normal" people can really see how truly close we are to anarchy in the UK.

The key character was indeed the person who was most prepared for this event. Providing for his family in a most complete way, everyone watching knew from the outset that he was going to the target from the desperate and undesirables of the world. His decent from always prepared scout mentality to looter and effective thug depicted well that to be honest you might as well not bother being ready.

Keeping it real throughout we were offered snippets of facts, generally showing how unprepared we truly are for such an event. Whether this could be suggested as scaremongering or not could be up to the viewer. The fact that the batteries in the hospital only last thirty minutes could probably be the most concern. Even my old Samsung phone lasted longer than that.

The cast, as is the case in these programmes, were generally unknowns and in the main were impressive enough, although the girl in the hospitals make-up was perhaps more dynamic than the performance. The pacing was excellent, with the final half hour "containing very strong language" giving a good pay-off for the gradual build-up of the first hour.

Overall though, it was a valiant attempt and was disturbing enough and in one particular case at the end, shocking enough to live up to the billing.

*****

An exclusive still from a deleted scene from Channel 4 docudrama #blackout pic.twitter.com/BPNm7lr8cO
— A Small Mind (@asmallmind) September 9, 2013

DISNEY'S PLANES - At Cinemas Now!

At Cinemas Now The Latest Blockbuster cartoon animation from Disney!

From the makers of Disney's Cars come this brand new exciting adventure.

Featuring all those favourite comic characters that you came to love so much.

This time they take to the skies in a brand new adventure featuring the superstar voices that help the box office takings while adding nothing to the film.

Those wonderful comic creations you saw in Cars are back, this time with wings!

They take part in an action adventure that you are sure to have seen before in that hit children's cartoon Cars, which coincidently we released to rave reviews and huge box office takings.

So here we are again with a not so different adventure featuring planes and not cars!

 So now is the time to shoot off to your local multiplex in your planes, eh cars and soak up the fun and frolics in this brand new classic comic adventure.

 AT CINEMAS NOW

Coming soon to a cinema near you:

BICYCLES(2014)

TRAINS (2014)

TRUCKS (2015)

SHIPS (2015)

TAXIS (2015)

BUSES (2016)

MOTORCYCLES (2016)

HOT AIR BALLOONS (2016)

CANOES (2016)

VANS (2017)

GLIDERS (2017)

RICKSHAWS (2017)

UNICYCLES (2017)

and many more as we think of them!

New From Channel 5: Envelope Opening With The Stars

Following the huge success of the pilot show on Channel 5 News on the 15th August featuring A-level results from around the country, television broadcaster Channel 5 is proud to announce the commissioning of a brand new entertainment show.

Each Saturday night a famous person will meet select members of the public for that most exciting night of their lives. Live from a spectacular stage erected weekly in London's Trafalgar Square they will be with them for key moments of their lives. That envelope which will change their lives forever.

Episode 1 presented by superstar Simon Cowell will see seven men from all over Britain at that most important time. Each side of a dramatically placed commercial break the men will open that envelope that contains the crucial results of their paternity test to see whether for the rest of their lives they have to pay child maintenance.

EPISODE 1 - WHOSE THE DADDY?

Episode 2 presented by Prince Harry Of Wales spins episode 1 on its head with 16-30 year olds from around the country opening that important envelope containing the information as to who really is their father, the man who deserted them at birth. 

EPISODE 2 - ARE YOU MY DADDY?

 

Episode 3 sees Abi Titmuss meet men and women from around the country who have had an unfortunate moment of a split during copulating and have the life changing moment of whether they have an STD to deal with, potentially for the rest of their lives.

EPISODE 3 - RUBBER OR NOT?

Episode 4 sees former cyclist Lance Armstrong meet men and women with that vital doctors letter in their possession. The moment is here for them to finally know whether that illness that they have been suffering with is the Big C.

EPISODE 4 - THE BIG C-SAW

Episode 5 sees Stephen Fry meet members of families from around the country who have had family members die in potentially suspicious circumstances. All have left a sealed envelope either at the scene or at their home. So the time has come for the answer.

EPISODE 5 - TOPPED OR NOT?

Channel 5 is very proud to announce this exciting, groundbreaking new series for their Autumn schedule.

Godfrey Bloom Gets His Bongo's In A Twist

UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom probably had a good point to make. Unfortunately he put his point across like a bull queueing to buy a porcelain toreador figurine.

We all know what he really meant, and to a great many people who are currently really struggling in our economic climate, many probably agreed with him. It's very true that to many areas of the world we are living it up, that is the thing being in a so-called first world nation. However if we are considered rich in the grand scheme of things, must we really find the need to send our money abroad to help? Especially at a time when hundreds and hundreds of our home nation families are having to attend food banks on a regular basis.

There is definitely a concern of waste when sending to some of these countries. It is true that they are among the poorest in the world that we send to, however you could say that some of them are among the most corrupt in the world also. Therefore can we truly believe that every penny of our money goes to those that are really in need of it? We are currently sending around £100 million a year to Zimbabwe for instance, and this of course we are confident is being spent wisely on the poor and needy as there is no thought of corruption there!

Putting corruption waste to one side, there is then the matter of whether a country really needs aid. This brings us swiftly to India, our glorious former Commonwealth asset, that of course our nation can only be grateful over the years. A country that we must really look after, a country that has slums and street children. Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire made the world cry with the sorrow of its existence. Oh, this poor and unfortunate country. We must help them. So we do, we currently send £280 million a year to them. They really need it, they truly do.

Well at least they have their $1.3 billion space program to keep their spirits high. When a five year old is scrapping about in the gutter filled with urine and faeces looking for food to survive, at least they can think to themselves of their wonderful nations intergalactic achievements.

So, yes Mr Bloom. You have a good point to make, sadly you have the refined nature of Chubby Brown's after dinner speech at the local Eid celebrations.

Troll On, Troll Off - The Twitter Trial

Twitter is under attack. Not necessarily just from trolls but from those that would eradicate them! It would seem at the moment that Twitter is a hot bed of crime and perversion, that all users are threatening to bomb, rape and pillage others. When in actual fact most of us, like humanity itself are pretty normal.

However Twitter apparently has got to get its house in order. Those that run it are pretty much an accessory to this crime that is going on.

However surely that is crazy talk if you sit back and think. Since when did a communication medium become responsible explicitly for its users?

When the Royal Mail delivered that poison pen letter that that evil piece of work wrote fifty years ago, were they responsible? No.

When the I.R.A. sent their coded bomb threats from that phone box down the road, did the boss of B.T. stand in the dock too? No.

You could say that I make light of these crimes that are being perpetrated against (mostly) lady users of Twitter (and yes other social media), but at no point am I wishing to trivialise them in any way. What I am really saying is that crime should be controlled, and be the sole responsibility of the police. Not some internet moguls that setup a really rather successful business.

Twitter is certainly not anonymous like the Royal Mail and the telephone and that is surely the only place where the Twitter owners come in, to provide the details of the users that do the crime. To quote the old fashioned term, like all responsible adults, they should assist the police with their enquiries perhaps. Not be hung, drawn and quartered in the press because their "vessel" of social interaction is being used in a criminal way.

Twitter, Facebook and others should, and are wonderful places to gather for light-hearted fun, interaction with "famous" people and just general social activity. They should not find themselves the victim of members of the public that neither understand or want to understand how social media works.

Like all walks of life the bad can sometimes appear to be the major factor, the overwhelming evil. However like all areas of the world, they are the minority and at no point should we succumb to them or blame others, other that the authorities for not controlling them.

POWER TO THE (NEARLY) NORMAL PEOPLE!


Twitter: @asmallmind

PHWOAR!!! Look At The Silver Sealed Bag On That!

The Co-Op have got their knickers in a twist over those naughty old lads mags it seems. Issuing an ultimatum to the publishers that they require a "modesty cover" for the filthy things so that they can continue profiting from selling them.

It would seem that some of the customers have had a grumble about seeing Kelly Brook's melons on the shelf while they test their plums for firmness in the fruit and veg aisles. If indeed there have been complaints. It could be that the whole thing may be engineering a bit of publicity for them or even they might be reacting to pressure from feminist campaigners, who are very active at present with many of the governments plans for online security over porn.

It would seem that the Co-Op are however doing a cover-up at present in many stores in any case:

So with these black covers over the mags it must be that we are dealing with a new species of children with Superman X-Ray powers and if that is the case no ladies bras and panties are safe from viewership even your granny.

However I get silly as is my want, this is a very serious business. I cannot help but see an outrageous double standard against us menfolk. I have not myself made a point of purchasing fashion magazines, but I believe you ladies do and I present exhibit A, an old cover of Vanity Fair:

Explicit but maybe not quite so suggestive I grant you, but that leads me to exhibit B, a much more recent offering from W magazine:

A little more suggestive maybe? However of course this is in the name of Art and that means we can get away with anything doesn't it!

I suspect that if Kim wants to get her knockers out again the Co-Op will be fine if its on a ladies lifestyle magazine, but if those breasts dare go near the cover of Esquire, Front, Nuts or any other of those filthy rags, its the silver bag treatment as them there breasts are going to corrupt our children!

Another mag that should be banished from the Co-Op shopping aisles is Rolling Stone, a serial offender if ever there was one, whether is be the cast of True Blood almost presenting their goods or Miranda Kerr keeping a good cover in front of the shrubbery:

So Co-Op if you are truly planning on protecting the fragile minds of the children that come in your store for their lollipops, I believe you are going to have to spread your view a touch wider, or maybe perhaps have a good think whether this material really does cause damage at all.

In the meantime I would be grateful if you could cover-up all that Justin Bieber material on your shelves. I really do find it quite offensive!

Theatre Review: The Hothouse by Harold Pinter at the Trafalgar Studios, London

This weekend saw my very first experience of a Harold Pinter play, the world famous playwright who I literally knew nothing about. I presumed some highbrow theatery stuff, all stuffy and indigestable. I know not why, I just for some reason assumed too much. Famous theatre playwright I thought, not going to be entertaining stuff for a commoner like me. It'll be like wading through treacle!

How wrong I was! Funny, sharp, cool, black (very black) and just so much fun! A literally endless cascade of glorious dialogue creating a somewhat open play which could be interpreted in many ways. To find yourself laughing so much at a play which contains torture, death, rape and murder seems strange and when leaving the theatre I heard many discussions about the contents, many not getting it, many not liking it. It could certainly be a play best not viewed if you do not get very black humour, fortunately I have no problem at all with this type of material, and got it very much.

The cast were superb throughout. Leads Simon Russell Beale and John Simm bouncing off one another wonderfully. The quiet, but yes, sinister Gibbs (Simm) being the perfect foil for "Colonel" Roote (Beale) as the over the top, blustering buffoon who knows none of his patients and lacks understanding of the left from the right. Both leads are excellent in their respective roles, but I did fear for Mr Beale's back as he lay bent over his chair in one of the clever freeze frame moments.

John Heffernan playing the roguish Lush was highly watch-able whether if be for his snow observations or magical cake moments (you OK in the front row now?). While Harry Melling as the (very) unfortunate Lamb gave a glorious physical performance in his role as the socially afflicted and obvious target of Gibbs. The third of the main supporting roles was Indira Varma as Miss Cutts, who crawled and sexually taunted the men throughout the play. And yes Miss Cutts, I do find that you are feminine enough!

The two tiny roles of Tubb and Lobb played by Clive Rowe and Christopher Timothy (thankfully without a cows bottom in sight) were well played in their all too brief appearances.

The set design, much like the last few plays I have seen was once again exemplary, clean efficient and not too cluttered, with the added fact that the front few rows are effectively on the stage, the whole thing was a glorious viewing.

So to my first Harold Pinter? Wonderful, enlightening, not what could ever have been expected. All in all a glorious two hours of entertainment. Just as long as you like your humour dark, very dark.


The Hothouse runs at Studio One at the Trafalgar Studios, London until Saturday 3rd August.

The Hothouse, Trafalgar Studios

FOR SALE: NORTHAMPTON GUILDHALL

• This lavish building in Northampton is a centrepiece of the market town at the heart of England.
• Constructed between 1861 and 1864 with an in-style extension built in 1992 this building has over the years had several not very careful owners.

• Presently full of hot air and self importance, it is important for the pension pot that there is a quick sale with no paper trail.
• The interior is of quality appearance with plush seating and many water coolers which upon sale will be topped up with quality mineral water.
•  The local facilities include a pub, a nightclub, another pub, another nightclub, some boarded up shops, some more pubs, some pound shops, toilet facilities in shop doorways and a couple of charity shops.
• Also although not actually on the property there is a rather splendid defunct water feature to the rear of the building which when powered up is able to sprinkle liberal amounts of urine deposited the previous evening from the local revellers.
• Another local feature is off-road rallying provided due to an innovative "pot hole" feature.
• As part of the purchase a statue titled Sekhemka will also be included which we are also not allowed to be selling either. However like they say this is democracy... 

Theatre Review: Passion Play at the Duke Of York's Theatre, London

Why my blog became all serious and high-brow I do not know, but this weekend I had the pleasure of being in London once again and saw the simply superb Passion Play at the Duke Of York Theatre.

Like the recently viewed Beautiful Thing, this is an old play given another airing. First performed in 1981 and written by Peter Nichols. It presents domestic woes in the form of a most stylish and inventive format. The two main characters (the married couple Eleanor and James) represented on stage by dynamic alter-egos, wholly revealing that persons innermost thoughts.

The reason for these alter-egos so appearing comes in the gorgeous form of Kate, a sexual predator and "old" man eater, who having buried her previous conquest sets her sights on James, via of all people his wife Eleanor. Devouring and consuming him via her stunning form and rampant persona, the alter-egos appear. First James' and then even more dramatically Eleanors'.

Stoking the fire between the couple is the form of the wronged wife of Kate's former conquest, Agnes. Bitter, twisted and purely setting out to reveal all the devil that is Kate's wrongdoings.

Representing all these characters are what can only be described as a tour de force of actors. When all on stage, the words, the emotion, flow from these stunning professionals is a wonder to behold. From the gentle and silent emotions, to the shear all out shouting carnage of the second half. It really is a joy to behold.

Really to single out a single one of the performers would be cruel in the extreme. Zoe Wanamaker as Eleanor is of course the star name that most would recognise, and in the role she really is superb, from the quiet moments to the heavy moments, with the superb comic timing in between, there really is nothing to fault.

However as her alter-ego Nell, Samantha Bond has all the mannerisms of Zoe Wanamaker, but the lines that Zoe's character would not dare to say. Well at first maybe. Samantha in the second half puts in so much emotion when things turn nasty, you would be fooled into thinking that you really are witnessing the disintegration of a marriage before you.

Tony Award winning Owen Teale as James shines throughout and has the better of the rapartee with his alter-ego Jim, played by Oliver Cotton. These two work together so well despite for the best part of the play them generallly not talking to one another. Oliver provides the best of the comic moments, frequently just with his physical actions while the others talk.

Kate slinks and slides across the stage in various form of dress (and undress) in the glorious shape of Annabel Scholey. She epitomises confidence and sexual tension as James (and pretty much anyone) would struggle to resist her charms given the chance. It is a performance of confidence despite finding herself on stage with the powerhouses around her and can only be applauded for holding her own in the surroundings.

The smallest role of Agnes, is played with bitterness relishly by Sian Thomas. Setting the fire of the whole of the second half with her intercepted mail.

I would also like to mention the ensemble, lesser heralded, and wordless, Kelly Burke and Matt Weyland give their all to delivering the set and playing their multiple roles with delicateness.

The production itself from director David Leveaux and set designer Hildegard Bechtler is complimented superbly with the use of the dynamic stage, with revolving and sliding of the set to excellent effect, right down to that very final moment, it comes up trumps. The music usage to also done with panache and style, with crescendos of music used excellently throughout.

Overall a superb production of what on paper sounds like a complicated play, which given your full attention in reality is never truly complicated. Worth your time without doubt to see a collection of actors at the top of their game performing a fast and excellent script.


Passion Play is on at The Duke Of York's Theatre, London until 3rd August
www.passionplaylondon.com

Theatre Review: Beautiful Thing at the Arts Theatre, London

I felt the need to resurrect my blog after a couple of months of hibernation, and the perfect opportunity came following my viewing of an absolutely superb play on Saturday. As it happens I have spoilt the punchline of whether the show was any good already, but matters not, let me go back to the beginning.

I was due to be in London on Saturday so I rooted about looking for a play to see while there and it turned out I managed to find one featuring one of of my favourites, Suranne Jones. So I booked up, with genuinely no knowledge at all about what the play was about (I am want to do this whenever in the city).

Following buying the tickets, I did a little google, cleaned up the mess and then checked on the internet what the play was about. So, a play, a film and now a 20th anniversary version of the play. A play about two gay boys, an interesting theme, that I am going to be blunt here, I would not have chosen to go and see. Many I suspect would do the same.

All of them and myself could not be more wrong to prejudge. It was a sweet, witty, and thoroughly entertaining play.

Leading the cast as the mother of one of the boys, was Suranne Jones (lovely) as Sandra, and in a roll, somewhat out of type for her, she exelled, maybe with a suspicious hint of dodgy dialect, but that didn't matter. The roll had all the best comic lines, with some gloriously fruity jokes. Suranne genuinely seemed to be having a ball in the role, and we all did watching. In the performance I saw, there was also a most wonderful corpsing moment for Suranne when there were issues with a shut door, or lack of, let's say. A wonderful moment, that of course is "non-professional" for the snooty types no doubt, but part of the joys of a live performance.

As the two boys, Jake Davies and Danny-Boy Hatchard (the latter in his professional début) both excelled in their comic and serious moments, Hatchard particular was perfectly able to get the real tears flowing when they were needed on a number of occassions.

Zaraah Abrahams and Oliver Farnworth both had less to do in their supporting roles, but by no means did either come up short. Abrahams was fun and frivilous in her role and got to do a couple of nice singing performances, while Farnworth got the obvious pleasure of having Suranne all over him, so I hated him! Well of course not (yes). He had perhaps the most caricatured role as Tony, but he managed to make it gloriously his own


The stage design I feel should have special mention as well. Incredibly simple, but because of this highly beneficial to the perfromances, allowing them to just get on with it. Pretty much just three doors and the occassional bed, made a nice clean environment for the actors to do their stuff.

Final mention though of course to writer Jonathan Harvey for a surprising, witty script. Certainly a product of its time, anyone not around in the early nineties might find themselves wading through many of the period jokes, but I was there and I got pretty much everything and enjoyed every moment.

So, to sum up. A wonderful play, which I am very happy to have accidentally came across in pursuit of one of my favourites. Something I would highly recommend anyone should see, without prejudice, no matter what side your bread is peppermint buttered in the romance department. What a terrible joke to finish on, that doesn't even make sense!

Just go and see it, but be quick in London, or you shall have to chase it around the country.

http://www.beautthing.com/

Binageddon - A Short Story

For @eigna2012

Monday

The lid lifted gently as it had done every day in the two weeks since its first appearance. At first Angie has assumed that some strange draft caused by the door could somehow miraculously lift it as she entered the toilets.
Simone has said otherwise when asked about it.
"You are insane Ang! How could a draft lift a large plastic lid like that" she had said.
Feeling more stupid than normal Angie had never mentioned it to anyone again.
However as always, like every morning, Monday was no different and as she entered through the door the bin lid lifted as if to say hello to her arrival.
Skirting around it to get to the cubicle she hurried inside and closed the door.

Tuesday

"Hello" the bin said. "How are you today?"
It didn't of course, but today it flapped up and down several times, as if it was having a conversation with the toilets only occupant.
Angie had wished that the firm had never had the toilets spruced up. The old bin had been an innocent old fashioned device that needed quite a hefty push on the foot pedal to get the lid up for disposal purposes. There had never been any chance of that having an impromptu conversation with you.
The toilets may well now have looked like they should have had Kevin McCloud perusing them, but for Angie, she pined for the old bin.

Wednesday

Debbie was doing her hair as Angie entered the toilets first thing. As always when anyone was in there first, the bin decided to keep quiet.
This was the main thing that had always unnerved Angie, why only when she was on her own? To try to reassure herself, she had decided that this was because of some highbrow science involving airflow with a second body in the room. In her gut though, it was just that the bin was out to get her.
'Did you see Dallas last night Ang?" Debbie said as she walked in. Directing her conversation to Angie's reflection in the mirror instead of turning to her.
'That Josh Henderson has his top off again' she continued. Debbie had always loved the bad guys and Dallas was her current favourite show. The jokes referencing "Debbie", "Does" and "Dallas" in the office seemed to be never ending.

Thursday

Flip.
Flap.
Flip.
Flap.
As usual, the warm welcome came from the bin as Angie entered during her morning break. Sneaking round as usual, and dashing into the cubicle, Angie slammed the door.
As the door slammed today however the lights flickered, flashed a couple of times and went out.
This was different Angie thought and dropped trembling onto the toilet. Coincidence? Just a coincidence she thought.
Just a power cut.
That was all, just a power cut, she tried to convince herself.
Then a rattle began to occur. Something outside the door was rocking, hitting the floor.
She knew what this was without a doubt and her trembling and shaking got worse. A warm red glow had also begun to filter under the door and the noise increased with every second.
After about a minute it got too much and Angie flung the door open screaming.
Across the room, the bin was shaking and rocking out of control as if Oscar the Grouch or Top Cat were trying desperately to get out.
There was room to run and run Angie did, screaming for the door.

Friday

The bin was gone!
As Angie entered the toilets at lunch after having avoided the toilet during her morning break the first thing she saw was the new bin. A different colour, a different shape, and more importantly not talking, not shaking and not coming for her.

The day had been good and as Angie drove her, Gary sang about Forever Love from her car radio and the steering wheel was tapped in tune.
Pulling up at home and climbing from the car, she fumbled in her bag for her door keys. After finally finding them, she walked up to the door and unlocked the door.
Pushing open the door, while struggling with the shopping bags, Angie failed to see the bin that rocked and shook as it moved towards her down the passage way...


Based on an original idea by @eigna2012 on Twitter.

Any similarities to real people or real events are purely a coincidence and of course are very unlikely to occur in real life.
Or are they?