Sunday 26 August 2012

The Sunday Shakedown - 26th August 2012

...and on the seventh day there was waffle.

The most glorious week when wild child Prince Harry got his Ginger Nuts out. Then having lost them in a game of billiards, he paraded naked for a convenient phone camera for all the world to see.
Now we are in a world of equal rights now, so to keep the sexual equality, I believe we now need to see Catherine after a failed game of Strip Poker, or Zara sharing a rugby shower with the International Rugby forwards, or heaven forbid Princess Anne after a loss in the Strip Dressage.

I would like to state at this point in time that I have not slept with this person:
Katherine Jenkins is now sadly only a very close friend. I realise that it is very unlikely that you will believe me when I say that myself and Katherine are not an item. However despite taking an absolute age to set-up and light all them damn candles. All she did was smile sweetly at me and then show me her Paso Doble. Sadly this was not a euphemism and it was just something that lucky bastard Derek Hough had showed her on Dancing With The Stars even though he wasn't even her partner.
I truly believed that I could hit it off with the lovely Katherine and that the only real stumbling block was that she didn't understand my needs and what I wanted to do for her. I think this is probably just because she is welsh.
I shall just settle for watching her wriggling and bouncing on my monitor on repeat...

The Friday Sun newspaper finally relented and presented a dick on the front page of their paper. This was news to me as I hadn't realised that Simon Cowell and the The X-Factor were back on TV.

I do not wish to confirm at this stage that I have slept with David Beckham. I can confirm however that all those endless Becks in pants photos also contain socks...

Just about recovering from all them sickening photos of Wayne Rooney that spread across my Twitter timeline yesterday. Apparently he also had an injury as well, but I have yet to see this.

Yesterday we said goodbye to a legend. RIP Neil Armstrong

Sunday 19 August 2012

The Sunday Shakedown - 19th August 2012

...and on the seventh day there was waffle.

So after sixteen days of tossing off, peanut and budgie smuggling and running around in knickers with sand in the crevices, the London Olympics 2012 came to an end last Sunday.
TeamGB, didn't they do well? Sporting more bling around their shoulders than the average avenue in Essex, it was a joy to behold.

Prince Philip is getting very suspicious. He may well be ninety odd, but I think some of the timings of his illnesses have a air of dodgy-ness about them. Christmas gathering last year with all the family, "Oh, I don't feel well." Jubilee celebration culminating in the horrors of Cheryl Cole and Paul "prepare to be frozen" McCartney singing, "Oh, I feel awfully poorly". Last week, lovely summer family stay at Balmoral "I think I need the toilet again, and oh dear, I don't feel too good". Highly suspicious, but way to go Philip! Very clever, high five!

Had a now very rare haircut this week. I do try to get it as long as Ozzy Osborne before I spill it over the barbers floor, as whenever it is, it now it reveals a most hideous amount of grey beneath. I don't know when this started happening, but I suppose for now it is preferable to it all falling out.

Celebrations as Big Brother finally finished this week. Cries of joy across the country. Sadly these were promptly silenced by the next day, with Celebrity Big Brother beginning. Looks like its going to be on everyday now like Eastenders seems to be now. Lets hope for a murder crossover to liven it up. Might watch it then.
"Big Brother requests that residents do not bury fellow house guests under the patio."

With the Olympics finally over, I was horrified at the prospect that the lovely Victoria Pendleton was to race no more. However as is the want of modern culture, I have now found a new younger model to drool over and off course watch the wonderful skills of. Step forward the lovely, bubbly Laura Trott!
Photo shoot with these please, but drop the dress. Take a leaf out of Queen Victoria's book.
I know I am shallow, but I am hardly going to be looking at Sir Chris Hoy's thighs am I. Well, I don't know, maybe in outright jealousy.

Anyway, I am not going to write anymore, I am currently dissolving in the horrible heat at the moment. Perhaps I shall strip off and display my fabulous thighs in the street. At least it will distract them from my Philip Schofield hair.

Saturday 18 August 2012

Flashback Film Review: Frost/Nixon

Everyone has heard the story of Richard Nixon and Watergate, they may not know the ins and outs of the whole thing, but the resigning of a American President is standard history. What is less known it the part that a then modest TV presenter/comic played in bringing out the "confession" from Mr Nixon, and this is where this little gem of a movie comes in.

The film tells the story from the resignation through to the final meeting between the presenter David Frost and Nixon following the final of his historic interviews. Playing David Frost impeccably with his trademark delivery is the go-to man for "playing real people" Michael Sheen. Like his other rolls, Tony Blair, Kenneth Williams and Brian Clough, he never gives an impression of the people like an impressionist would, he purely becomes them, and as he strolls from party to opening night to studio set you could really just believe that you were watching the young David Frost. Frank Langella meanwhile is everything the imposing figure, as the tall but slightly stooping Mr Nixon. Powerful in delivery when required, but soft and subtle when trying to get under people skins. A pretty perfect performance right down to the haunting final scenes of silence in the interview.

The film is rightfully more about David Frost, who as history dictates comes out the winner in the end. Triumphing over the once mighty President bought down by his own wrong-doings.

Of the other cast, the stand out is Sam Rockwell as the Watergate expert and Nixon hater James Reston, Jr. Right from his early scenes, he manages to keep his own against the two leads and the scenes leading up to his first meeting with Nixon are nicely played.

Most of the rest of the cast have less to do, with Matthew Macfadyen a by the numbers John Birt (latter to become BBC Director General no less). Kevin Bacon a little underwhelming as the military man at the Presidents side. Also the wonderful Rebecca Hall is given very little to do other than look gorgeous as David Frost's current bit of stuff. This however she is most certainly able to, although it is a terrible waste of her (acting) talents.

The film itself is very nicely put together, and star director Ron Howard pulls out the stops to tell the true story well. Its true that as is the want of the source material, the real meat of the film is in the last quarter. However the rest is a nice appetiser for what is to come even if you are fully aware of the story, and I would totally recommend that given the chance, you give it a watch as it is much more than just a history lesson.

Sunday 12 August 2012

The London Winter Olympics 2064

Following the meteor strike of 2027 which saw the Earth tilted upon its axis, it was clear that the catastrophic weather and global changes would not allow London to repeat its highly successful 2012 Summer Olympics.

As such, in 2055 London Mayor Boris Johnson The Second and his team of Olympic organisers which included seventy-five year old Lord Bradley Wiggins, four time Tour De France winner and Olympic Gold medal winner six times, put a plan together to apply for the hosting of the 2064 Winter Olympic Games.

Two years later after a successful campaign, which was helped by ambassadors Brooklyn Beckham (son of the late football hero David), Dame Laura Trott-Kenny and Dame Jessica Ennis, it was announced by IOC President Lord Christopher Hoy that the 2064 Winter Olympics would be held in London.

All throughout the campaign it had been hoped that the majority of the events would be held within the London Borough with the exception of the Alpine Skiing which would be held in the more mountainous area of Northamptonshire, which although pre-2027 had not been exceptionally mountainous, following the meteor strike and subsequent Earthquakes, the area had become part of the main mountain range that now crossed the country from Lowestoft to Chester.

The Biathlon took place through Richmond Park and finishing in Kew Gardens. Special provision was made to make sure that the resident Polar Bears that now lived in the park were not likely to become a danger to the competitors or the spectators.

The global events had of course had a heavy impact upon the water levels around London and due to this the Short Track Speed Skating was held around the Victoria Memorial outside Buckingham Palace after this area and the Mall had become flooded. This area also was on average frozen solid for eight months of the year, so in June, when the games were held, would be the perfect venue.

With grass difficult to grow in the new landscape of London, Wimbledon had been specially adapted to become a sporting area for the new world. This therefore became the home of both the Ice Hockey and Figure Skating of the games. The roof would only be closed in the event of the now sadly regular solar flares.

The Nordic Combined event would take place at Hampstead Heath with Parliament Hill providing the hill requirements. Like Richmond Park, wildlife control would be key and therefore the colony of Emperor Penguins would be removed for the duration of the event.

The Luge, Skeleton and Bob events took place at the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain in Hyde Park. Specially extended for the event, an area south of the Serpentine was used with the track moving around the south of the park and following a crater that developed during the global events the finish line would be where the retail store of Harrods once stood in Brompton Road.

The Curling was held upon the frozen Serpentine, harking back to the sports roots of originally being played upon frozen ponds and lakes. This was to be the host nations greatest triumph, with the home team coached by seventy-four year old Dame Eve Muirhead, veteran of a record eight Winter Olympics with the team taking Gold without losing a single end in the final against Egypt.

Finally Horse Guards Parade, the famous venue of the Beach Volleyball event fifty-two years before saw the erection of the Ski jump hill, partly built with pieces from the now sadly destroyed London Eye, a huge Ferris wheel structure that once stood on the Thames.

The Opening Ceremony was a triumph of an event in itself held in the newly refurbished 2012 Olympic Stadium. In homage to the original Sheep that grazed in 2012, Arctic Seals, now resident on the banks of the Thames performed tricks and treats to the crowd before the ceremony began.

Once the seals had been herded away, the stadium transformed with a great light show and huge displays depicting the destruction of New York by the meteor, and fine Shakespearean actor Kenzo Branagh, grandson of the late Kenneth Branagh, depicting New York Mayor Justin Bieber. There followed a moment of silence mourning the loss of millions to the disaster and then a burst of music saw a lightening of the mood to herald the fact that from disaster, the world had become a safer place as countries across the world had come together as one following the tragic events like never before.

Depicting the volcanic eruptions that had become norm for the years following the meteor strike, a vast volcano was thrust up at one end of the stadium. This erupting with molten lava cascaded down the side and formed at its foot the Olympic rings which once completed were hoisted into the sky, high above the stadium.

Finally for the opening ceremony to be complete the famous flame was to be lit. Successfully kept secret until the time was right, five time Olympic Gold winner Mo Farrah ran into the stadium brandishing the torch and completed one circuit of the track despite being the ripe old age of eighty-one, to the cries of joy from the crowd. Everyone was sure that he would be the one to light the flame. However at completion of the circuit, appearing from seemingly nowhere were Mo's twins, born days after his double gold winning performance at the 2012 games. Gold medallists themselves since, they both took the torch in hand and lit the flame to a roar from the eighty thousand strong crowd.

The closing ceremony was an equally epic event, concentrating on a glorious musical concert from stars of present and past across the world. Paying tribute to the closing ceremony of 2012, the surviving members of the old Spice Girls saw Mel Chisholm and Emma Bunton joined by the new Spice Girls formed in 2050 in tribute following the death of the originals creator Simon Fuller at the age of ninety. A collection of chart topping stars then performed through the three hour show and finally as the flame was prepared to be extinguished  specially removed from cryogenic storage for the event, Sir Paul McCartney performed "Hey Jude".

Sunday 5 August 2012

The Sunday Shakedown - 5th August 2012

...and on the seventh day there was waffle.


Lindsey Lohan has apparently demanded that all male members on the crew for a sex scene in her new movie strip off. Well you can demand all you like love, you can even get down on your knees and beg, then perhaps I shall drop my pants for you. Seize the moment as they say...

Internet trolls made the headlines once again this week with an idiot on Twitter sending offensive tweets to Olympic diver Tom Daley. The comments were concerning Tom having let down his late father, Tom who came fourth in the world in his event this week, having been one time FINA World Champion, two time European Champion, two time Commonwealth, six time British Champion, four time British champion at Junior and nine time ASA National Champion at Junior and Adult.

Meanwhile our twitter friend isn't even a champion in his own bedroom. With his awesome use of the english language on his YouTube videos, I am sure that his has made his parents very proud...

Proper respect to those great British Olympians: Opposition Buzz, Imperial Cavalier, High Kingdom, Miners Frolic and Lionheart, who kept to the original Olympics tradition and competed naked.

Jess Varnish who was competing in the team in the cycling with Victoria Pendleton apparently went off too early and they unfortunately got disqualified. I am afraid that if I was being chased by Victoria in lycra, not only would I have let her catch me, I most certainly would have gone off too early.


The newspapers reported this week of a lady who had an encounter with a "4ft boa constrictor" in her bath that she described as a "banana". Well I am sorry young lady, but it wasn't a snake, and I have to apologise for being in your bath at the time.

The racist Daily Mail surpassed itself last weekend with comments made in a review of the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics describing the family section impossible with no chance of finding "an educated white middle-aged mother and black father living together with a happy family...". Even for them this was a horrendously racist piece, which once over Twitter, they hastily re-edited to mean the complete opposite.

And finally, as there was a glorious glut of magnificent medals collected for TeamGB it was wonderful once again to see the overpaid and brainless footballers fail to perform like the hard working, unrecognised and talented athletes, rowers, and cyclists and all had throughout the week. Sadly, give it a couple of weeks and the true stars of sport will be forgotten once again and the pantomime performing football stars will be the "heroes" once again.

Friday 3 August 2012

In Cinemas Today: Diary Of A Wimpy Kid - Cat Days

OPENING TODAY AT A CINEMA NEAR YOU
DIARY OF A WIMPY KID
CAT DAYS

DAY ONE: That bully rubbed my face all over the cats turds this morning. I got up and had a second nose, all brown stuck to the side of my face.

DAY TWO: Bully made me eat a dead starling that the cat bought in for my lunch today.


DAY THREE: Bullies mates pinned me down while bully held the cat over me while it brought up a fur ball this afternoon. It went right over my face and I swallowed a little bit of it.


DAY FOUR: I was tied to a post today by bully, and the neighbours cat used me as a scratching post.


DAY FIVE: Bully rubbed my head in a fully damp litter tray today and made me stand in the street until all the bits dried and fell off.

DAY SIX: Bully had shaved the back end of the cat this morning, and with super glue he stuck it onto my chin. He said without that I would never get a beard.


AT A CINEMA NEAR YOU NOW
DIARY OF A WIMPY KID
CAT DAYS