TerrorVision

I nearly died last night while watching television.

It was that time of year when you just can't help yourself. It's like looking at that squashed pigeon in the road, or looking at the other lane pile-up seeing if you can see a body, you know you really shouldn't watch it, but you can't help yourself.

Yes, it was that annual horror known to all as the Eurovision song contest. After watching the sickenly cute Lena win last year, this years venue was Germany. The country that once could be relied upon for the most ridiculous spectacles of all, dared to enter a suitably catchy ditty and found themselves with the dubious honour (horror?) of being this years hosts.

So, as told by the song I was proudly wearing new underwear, and having painted my toenails I sat down once again to watch this year's contest.

The shear horror to come was depicted by the three presenters which presented a ridiculous sight from the very beginning. Due to my secret lover Lena competing once again it was left to the presenters to recreate last years excellent winner and totally destroying it in the process. Only highlighted by the original delight arriving, slipping her shoes off and her skirt problems on a double bass.

That horror over, we headed to the main event and the first song from Finland, highlighting the reason for their high suicide rate. After listening to their depressing song, I was heading towards joining the list of casualties.

The fun was raised immediately afterwards however with the mad Bosnian entry, the admittedly catchy Denmark one complete with Jedward hairstyle. Hot on the heels came Lithuania with a theatre style performance and some rather bizarre sign language. Then there was some somersaulting from someone from Hungary.

Sixth up was the horror that is Jedward, complete with lunacy dancing and a mad, infuriating song. So-called second favourite and a worry therefore for what was to come. Sweden provided a catchy tune with a sickenly handsome chap crashing from a glass box. The hope of him being impaled on some huge shard did not sadly come about.

Estonia found some bizarre people dancing among some little buildings, and Greece provided a horrific blend of opera and rap, neither of which could be sung with any skill. The Russian entrant just seemed to want to talk to the audience rather than sing in key.

France provided possibly the best performed song of the night and the most hair, but it was opera so it was never going to win despite it being the bookies favourite. Italy's entry was a nice Jazz number let down by the fact that the artist couldn't really sing.

Then after twelve countries, Switzerland provided the first bit of true crumpet and kept me entertained despite the fact the the poor old dear clearly run out of words for her song. The United Kingdom provided what turned out to be the best performer for several years, but I have no idea why.

And then it arrived! The true reason we were all watching, the horror that we expect from the Eurovision was provided by singers wearing cone hats, and a nice young lady on a unicycle. Madness, total madness, thank you Moldova.

Next up was my secret lover, lovely Lena from Germany. Starring straight into the camera several times, I was without doubt lifting my phone to vote (it was on my lap). However, what talent she showed once again was destroyed by the most maudlin song imaginable and bizarre dancers in skin-tight suits (not in a good way).

The next two countries flew by, with the happy clappy Romanian's, and the fringe of Austria. Then it arrived, the one that was eventually going to get it. Azerbaijan featured a great tune and a buxom young lady who kept singing "come to me", and I think I nearly did.

Slovenia provided more crumpet in boots and bodice, and Iceland provided a song by a dead writer (at least he didn't have to watch the show). It was a nice song though and should have done better. Spain was a mad waving performance with a very nice lady in a tight dress. Ukraine's entry was a poor song, but with some stunning sand painting.

The final two provided some Austin Powers like ladies from Serbia and a noisy and scary monstrosity from Georgia.

And then it was all over. Well, if only. The endless voting then took place, highlighted by mad people and lots of cleavage, and a close contest until near the end, when the buxom young lady and her friend finally sealed it. It was a worthy winner from the duet, and they were a nice pair, and he wasn't too bad a singer either.