Eurovision 2012 Review

A Small Mind done his duty once again last night as the annual horror that is the Eurovision Song Contest took place. Just like a horrific crash on the other lane of the motorway, you must look, no matter what horrors await, the need is just there.

This year was a bit of a damp squib even for Eurovision, not anywhere near enough simply bizarre songs and performances that we all come to expect from the show, and for A Small Mind there were not quite enough hot ladies on display, despite there being a couple of crackers.

As always, I will make an exhaustive rundown of all the acts in a pointless manner and provide a suitable collection of YouTube links to selected performances.

1. UK - First on display in the unquestionable graveyard slot, where no one has a chance of winning was our very own song from Engelbert Humperdinck, an OK ballad that was never going to really win Eurovision, and for UK is was even less likely. Kudos to old Hump though as he managed to stand unaided throughout the performance.

2. Hungary - Not really much of a song, notable only for the use of pleather and a hoodie at the back having a good bash... on some sort of instrument.

3. Albania - A horrific, horrifying pain on the ears as Rona Nishliu screamed and squealed her performance like some sort of Poundshop Bjork. Amazingly this actually did well, picking up a number of full twelve pointers.

4. Lithuania - Bandanna across his eyes man with supposed reference to the title "Love Is Blind" and he had some very dodgy dance moves once the said bandanna was removed.

5. Bosnia & Herzegovina - Piano playing crumpet with funny shoulders, the best of the songs at this point, although this wasn't really saying a great deal.

6. Russia - WTF, I could say as the Russian grannies arrived on force. Not having heard this before the final but being aware of it, I had no real idea what to expect. The start provided some concern as they stood there rocking back and forth making the most horrific noise and then BANG. They were to the front of the stage and we were in perfect Eurovision territory which was obviously going to do well, if not win.

7. Iceland - Scary looking guy, but with a cute girl with big teeth and a violin. Damn my sophisticated comments.

8. Cyprus - A very nice looking lady dancing on and off a table made from books. My notes tell me she had a nice large mouth, not sure what I would be checking that out for...

9. France - A good looking lady in gold knickers, but I found myself distracted by, the sadly, male gymnasts.

10. Itally - My notes say Amy Whinehouse, and this was a heavily influenced tribute act, in both looks and performance.

11. Estonia - A handsome man which made me unhappy, but a very strong voice and a nice performance. I did fancy this ones chances and it finished a creditable sixth place.

12. Norway - Another hoodie, this time the singer. A very average performance and this was the one that took the bottom place after the voting.

13. Azerbaijan - Although distracted by a man who seemed to be sitting on a trampoline, this was performed by a nice young lady, who did though seem to have very dodgy hands.

14. Romania - Very much a Eurovision song performed by a nice well built lady. Backing performance provided by the most bizarre collection of musicians. As Graham Norton said "Only at Eurovision" and sadly there were not enough of these this year. Undeniably catchy though.

15. Denmark - A former busking lady in a sailors cap and uniform, nice to look at, less so to listen to. Maybe back to the busking after finishing in twenty-third place.

16. Greece - Financial crisis or not, this gorgeous young lady was worth her wait in Drachma's. The very definition of a Greek goddess.

17. Sweden - Very much Kate Bush inspired with all wavy arms and free flowing clothing, and this was to be the one.

18. Turkey - A bizarre, poor performance about sailing, nothing much more to say.

19. Spain - Allegedly told not to win because of the financial crisis, but the young lady gave a very good, and somewhat emotional performance.

20. Germany - Written by our own Jamie Cullum and sung by a guy in a beanie. Finished eighth.

21. Malta - Performed rather bizarrely by a chap who appeared to be wearing a golf glove, not up to much.

22. F.Y.R. Macedonia - A nice song, well performed by a lady who was well per-portioned rather than thin. Rather unkindly likened to Nancy Dell'olio by Mr Norton, perhaps a few (lot) of years back maybe, but not much.

23. Ireland - Kill me now! Jedward, with an admittendly catchy ditty. Finished a poor twentieth.

24. Serbia - Performed by a serial offender who had sung once before, written two songs before and been a previous host. Was unlikely to win again with this so-so song, but rather weirdly finished in third place.

25. Ukraine - The first of two weird, true Eurovision performances to end the contest, with male backing dancers wearing what appeared to be dresses.

26. Moldova - The always reliable Moldova entry, a country who have really worked out a real Eurovision performance/song. Performed by a bloke on his third attempt, but I wasn't watching him as the five backing dancers were suitably gorgeous. Although they danced weird and wore strange dresses, but who cares?

And with that the contest was over, not enough fun, too many dour songs and a dull interval act made it one of the poorer contests for sometime. Although the shots of Baku throughout showed a really stunning, oil wealthy city.

However the winner which was Sweden by a landslide was certainly a worthy winner albeit not a blonde. She gave an excellent performance both in song and motion and the performance was simply excellent.

The Friday Fry-Up - 25th May 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.

I went to see the begining of the Olympic Flame relay on Saturday and spent over two hours waiting for the arrival. Finally realised that I had got the map upside down and was in the wrong place.

Spent all of Saturday night in a police cell after an altercation at a "Free Cash Machine". I mean how was I meant to understand what that really means?

I see this week that not long after we were all able to take a P again thanks to the return of Blockbusters, we may now see the return of Catchphrase too. For A Small Mind the eighties was where is was to be, the best decade ever and with all these returns he has never felt so in fashion.


I see that the new Big Brother house has been revealed this week and the plan is for it to be a den of iniquity. Where do I sign the forms?


With the weather hitting red hot temperatures, A Small Mind stripped off all, and I mean all ladies and topped up his tan in the garden.
How was I to know that the Rose Garden of the local park was not "appropriate" for this kind of thing.


My main member is now red hot. Not because of the sun, but because I have just finished seeing Nicole Kidman in The Paperboy previews and Kylie's new music video "Timebomb".


I see that the TV series House has just finished in the US. I have never seen the series, but who would have guessed that a show about a bingo hall could run for eight years.

A Small Mind is primed and ready for the glories ahead in tomorrows annual Eurovision Song Contest. Whether it be ancient grannies or flailing haired freaks (yes, Jedward, looking at you), I will sacrifice numerous hours of my life as usual with little reward. If I survive, as last year expect a full review sometime...

Just a week after that other disco queen Donna Summer passed away, disco king Robin Gibb has also died. A Small Mind donned his famous white suit and jived on down to one of their many hits.

A Small Mind And The Indian Scammers.

Tuesday this week saw another of the regular calls from our friends who tell us that our computers are INFESTED and going to DIE soon, unless we let them help us. Having tended to have a little fun with them in the past. A Small Mind thought that he would choose this day to have a lot of fun with them and string them along for a while, and I mean a while. Planning on taking the time, I thought that it would be nice to record it for posterity...

The Friday Fry-Up - 18th May 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Following the staggering victory of Pudsey the dancing dog, it has been confirmed that a world tour is shortly to begin. Concern has already been raised regarding the South Korea leg of the tour.


I can confirm that A Small Minds prowess has always been impressive and therefore is has come as no surprise that I will be acting as the main male member in the recently confirmed movie version of "Fifty Shades Of Grey".


Upon hearing news that our dear friend Rebekah Brooks is being charged with all them naughty things, her equally sinister husband protested that the poor old bat would never get a fair trial because of all that vicious media type stuff. Much akin to all the shit the News of the Scum preached about really innocent people.


Happily described as a witch hunt by Rebekah, A Small Mind rubs his hands with excitement because he knows that these always end with a bit of excitement and most certainly the just deserts.


Greece most certainly is not the word, the word is Drachma.


Bought a share in Facebook, this time next year I will be a millionaire!


Got a bucket of water at the ready for that flame when it passes by.


Finally it is farewell to that lady that I do all my disco jiving to when not disco jiving to the Bee Gees. R.I.P. Donna Summer.

GUILTY!

Last night, I was dreaming 
I was locked in a prison cell 
When I woke up, I was screaming 
Calling out your name 

And the judge and the jury 
They all put the blame on me 
They wouldn't go for my story 
They wouldn't hear my plea 

Only you can set me free 
'Cos I'm guilty (guilty) 
Guilty as a girl can be 
Come on baby can't you see 
I stand accused of hacking in the first degree 

Guilty, of hacking in the first degree 

Someday, I believe it 
You will come to my rescue 
Unchain my heart you're keeping 
And let me start anew 

The hours pass so slowly 
Since they've thrown away the key 
Can't you see that I'm lonely 
Won't you help me be

Guilty, of hacking in the first degree 

Guilty, of hack
Guilty, of hacking 
Guilty, of hack
Guilty, of hacking 
Guilty, of hacking in the first degree 



Allegedly... 

Pudsey The Dancing Dog - One Year On

Excepts from the journals of Pudsey the Dancing Dog - Winner of the 2012 series of Britain's Got Talent
(Translated from the woofs by Doctor Doolittle Jr.)


13th May 2013
I hate the ground that that full-mast trouser wearing prick stands on. Simon Cowell, I wouldn't lick your balls, I would bite the bastards off.
I write this, sitting locked in my room in the animal section of the Priory. My doctor tells me that the addiction needs these extreme measures. What started off in those hallowed days of success in May 2012 and an over consumption of some prize Winalot, spiralled out of control. I couldn't stop it, and that is why I find myself here, locked in this godforsaken kennel.

17th June 2013
Over a month in here and not a prize cut of beef in all that time. I feel better though, I really do.
My doctor took me for a walk again today and for the first time I didn't try and break free from my lead and eat a duck from the lake. The doctor patted me and and gave me a biscuit.

21st June 2013
I was weighed this morning. I have apparently lost two stone in the five weeks I have been here.

27th June 2013
Ashleigh came to see me today, the first damn time since they locked me up here. I gave her everything, without me she would still be in that cesspit that is Northamptonshire.

12th July 2013
I now feel much better in myself. I have been told that I am over the micro-chip addiction that I developed on the back streets of LA.

10th August 2013
Today was the day, I have been released from The Priory. My doctor tells me that I have made a full recovery. There is even a chance that I may dance again, but not with that turncoat Ashleigh, I have heard that she has three performing cats on America's Got Talent. I shall find a new artist to perform with, however I first have an appointment with some balls that are in need of biting.

The Friday Fry-Up - 11th May 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Britain's Got Talent on everyday this week. I am absolutely giddy with excitement...


Mad bad Nadine Dorries was spouting off again at the weekend, and for once she was nearly making some sense. Stating that the end was nigh for poor old Cameron and Clegg.


However a couple of days later it was so lovely to see the happy couple renewing their wedding vows. Fortunately we were spared the kiss.


The loving looks that Clegg and Cameron were giving one another was apparently what caused Barack Obama to come out...
... regarding his support for Gay marriage.


What's the difference between Nancy Dell'olio and Pudsey on Britain's Got Talent?


Red head on the rack. Not my cellar, its the Leveson enquiry!


I saw that the Incredible Hulk was fifty years old this week. A few people that I was out recently with didn't like me when I turned green. Without doubt that food was off, and I can only apologise for bringing it back over that ladies lovely smart dress.


Just got back from a screening of How I Spent My Summer Vacation. Had a car run at me in the car park, slapped in the face by the chap who took my ticket and was racially abused by the lady who bought the ice creams round. Apparently it was all part of the Mel Gibson experience.


Edited highlights of Prince Charles' wonderful weather forecast:
"The north shall see rather a lot of that filthy rainy stuff, therefore sadly you are lightly to get pissed on."
"The wind in the west is going to be terribly annoying to one's hair. It can get awfully unmanageable at the best of times, this simply won't do."
"The south however shall see some jolly nice sun, so one shall have to be careful that ones giant ears don't get sunburned."
"The midlands will see some miserable conditions, but that is only because Edward and Andrew are visiting the area."

At A Cinema Near You May 11th

Day one: I called that black guy a ******* ***** ******.
Day two: I drank a shit load of drink and spend off down the highway at 130mph.
Day three: I slapped that bitch good and proper.
Day four: I ******* broke that ******* restraining-order and slapped that bitch again.
Day five: That guy wearing that Kippah, I told him to ******* **** ** ****.
Day six: I smashed that ******* bar to a pulp.
Day seven: I made a new movie, I hope you come and see it.

Opening this Friday at a Cinema near you:

MEL GIBSON
in
HOW I ALLEGEDLY SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION

"He was soooo awesome, he broke my jaw in several places." Woman B

"His performance was so good, when he told me to 'Suck my ******* ****, you ****!', I really believed he meant it." Man wearing headgear C

"The way that car seemed totally out of control seemed so realistic. He done all his own stunts." Highway Patrol Officer F

"I hope there is a ******* sequel, he spent so much money, but it did help pay for the repairs." Barman H

The Friday Fry-Up - 4th May 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.

The Voice or Britain's Got Talent? I know! Neither...


I understand that W.ILL.I.AM (that right?) spent most of the time during The Voice twittering, and apparently he was also using social media during the show as well.


I have spent quite a bit of time over the last couple of weeks watching the World Championship Snooker. Not for the sport at all, but admiring the way that referee Michaela Tabb handles the balls.

Michaela Tabb holding one of my balls...

Just arranged with the Ministry of Defence to have a nuclear missile launchpad in my garden to defend ourselves during the Olympics should the missiles in London let them down. One of them landing on London  will sure guarantee an epic legacy for the games.


A cockney is now someone born within the sound of the Bow bangs from the missiles as they launch of the nearest flat block.


So Tulisa is the sexiest woman in the world then, amazing what a little video leaking can do for your public profile. After all that exposure it would have been a terrible blow if she hadn't have won.


I was unable to find A Small Mind's nomination of Pam St Clement anywhere in the top 100 of the sexiest poll. A great disappointment.

You know you would... You would't? Oh...

London Mayor Election comments (delete as applicable):
Well done Boris you old buffoon, sad that you got in again, really wanted to see you back on Have I Got News For You.
Bad luck Boris you old wiff waff, happy that you didn't get back in as I am looking forward to you presenting Have I Got New For You again.
Well done Ken, glad that you have got back in again for the London Olympics, mainly because I am sure you can wave the flag about a lot better than that clown Boris.
Bad luck Ken, shame that you couldn't get back in for the Olympics, we shall have to put up with that fool wiffing and waffing the flag about again no doubt.
Bad luck Brian.


Note to Conservatives complaining about their losses at the local elections: If your drastic cuts are due to the failings of the previous Labour Government, but the people are still voting against you, it looks like they may not believe you or they know you are swinging the hammer too dramatically. Time to stop blaming the last Government and do the job carefully and not painfully perhaps.

The Perils Of Power

Corby Conservative MP Louise Mensch has never been backward in stating her mind since obtaining the seat in the 2010 General Election. For an MP who is serving the people and trying to achieve the best for her constituent and the electorate surely this is an advantage. Therefore being prominent and forthright, you should be prepared to have an obvious backlash against you. The question is how far should this go?

The problem now is that it is too easy for the "public" to contact and be interactive with their MPs via social media. This is good of course, they are serving the people and they should always be able to contact them. Where the line should come though is the idiotic side of the population, who seemingly are able to use a computer or mobile phone, despite the obvious lack of any intellectual matter in their brains.

Since Mrs Mensch dared to suggest support for our old friend Rupert Murdoch, there has been an outrageous and totally repulsive tirade of abuse via Twitter. This is freedom of speech they would say, but so damn well is Mrs Mensch's. If she should state an opinion regarding the report that her and her colleagues have been working on then so be it. Opinions and decisions are there to be made and it is for no one to be repulsive about those in the manner that certain idiots have done.

In all honesty, A Small Mind's pencil in the voting booth is as far away as possible from the Conservative candidate, so I would be the last to defend a Tories stance, but those who have responded, and their comments favourited by Louise Mensch on her Twitter account are the lowest of the low and as far from any true positions of responsibility that they are not really on this planet.