Harry Potter And The Casual Vacancy

The following is an extract from the latest book by J. K. Rowling. Reader discretion is advised as it contains explicit content. Certain words have however been edited to prevent extreme offence.

Harry sat in the dorm at Hogwarts school and stared down at the table. Taking from his top pocket his Galleon credit card he scraped the white powder into a thin line.

Rolling a crisp piece of paper into a tube he lent forward and inhaled the substance quickly and crashed back in the chair.

'I feel like I am f***ing flying on a broom, man!' he yelled as he fell off the chair.

From the floor he looked up at Hermione, who sat in the chair alongside him. She had a worried expression on her face as she looked down at him.

'Hey babe', Harry said from the floor. 'Wanna bit of fun?' and he grabbed her thin panties between her legs.

'Feels nice and wet there, you must be ready for my magic wand, luv!'

He tore at them and Hermione gave a strangled scream of distress and got up to run for the door. Grabbing her leg, Harry pulled her to the floor and rolled on top of her as she screamed for help.

Just at that moment as Harry fumbled with one hand in his trousers to get his c**k out and keeping a finger of his other hand in Hermione's c**t, the door burst open.

'Get off her Harry, what the hell are you doing!' cried the flame haired Ron Weasley from the doorway.

Harry stared up at him as he lay on his side across the prostrate Hermione his erect penis visible to all.

'Keep f***ing out of it you ginger haired c**t, can't you see she's f***ing begging for it?'

At that same moment the door burst open once again and ducking through the door came Hagrid.

'Hey Harry! Call that a d**k, this is a d**k' he cried as he dropped his trousers.

'Oh my!' cried Hermione.

'Yeah babe, some of us are big in every department...'

The full book Harry Potter And The Casual Vacancy is not available in any good or even bad bookshops.

Open Wide - A Dental Odyssey

I went to the dentist yesterday. It was a happy experience for a change. No work required so I scampered away with my booking nine months hence.

However it got me thinking about the trials and tribulations of visits to the dentist through the years. I have the bizarre experience of having reached three and a half decades on the planet and in that time I have only ever had the services of just two dental practitioners. I can't help but think that it quite surprising.

Only two people have delved into my mouth that I have directly paid them too (well those that I am sharing with you, mind). My old dentist who served me well for about thirty years retired to some such place about four years ago. He was a great guy in the old style. Worked at lightning pace, filled where needed and pulled forth my wisdom, teeth that is, from the "comfort" of his chair. He was old school.

Now however after he left me after thirty years, I have a lady from some far-flung place in Europe. Highly efficient, but very much in the new school of treatment. First and foremost its all about hygiene. I go into the room and she goggles up, masks up and puts those rubber gloves on. For a minute I always have to check I have come to the right place, and not that other "establishment" I might be known for visiting.

However, it is my dentist and masked up as if I have some sort of bubonic plague she attacks me with her implements.

Yesterday, like I said, I got away with it lightly. No work to be done. However in the past when she has had to repair some of my fillings (brush your teeth kids) it is a test of endurance. Mouth open for minutes as she sprays, pokes, and nudges away. Jaw ache like never before, as if I have been sucking on a football for an hour. Its ironic that now injections are common place which removes a lot of the pain from the actual work, a new form of pain arrives.

Bruised and battered, jaw aching and drooling down your chin. You look like Ricky Hatton after an all-nighter at the local pub.

There is also the small matter of the money you pay for the privilege for all this as well. Why do the NHS prices offer a buy one get half a dozen (or more) fillings free? Are they some kind of supermarket or something? It makes me want to pick the other darn fillings out if I need one, so that I get value for money.

However I am sure I have wrote enough of this waffle. If you have made it this far, you are probably more than able to survive the stress of the dentists chair.

Next time you are in the chair however, just lay back and thank god that Steve Martin ain't your dentist.

The 2012 London Paralympic Games: In Review

The London 2012 Olympic Games had been amazing. The Paralympic Games however were truly remarkable.

Combining the power of highly competitive sport with the power of the human stories behind each and every competitor. From the very beginning with the albeit less powerful opening ceremony following the Olympics masterpiece, we knew we were in for a tremendous ride.

The Opening Ceremony was never going to match Danny Boyle's stunner, but with some truly amazing imagery from the likes of Baroness Tanni Grey-Thompson flying through the air to the arrival of the flame in the hands of Soldier Joe Townsend descending from the Orbit Tower. Perhaps the moment of the ceremony however had to come from the inspired idea of performing the once banned song Spasticus Autisticus by Ian Drury. An amazing moment.

However the truly amazing moments were to come in the days following the ceremony as the athletes took centre stage. A story behind every disability, and a power and determination to succeed at everything. These people were not blocked by anything, other than things that were out of control.

Together we marvelled at swimmers with no arms. Long jumpers with no sight. High jumpers with one leg. Archers holding their bows with their feet. These people had nothing in their way to prevent them performing.

On the day that Wayne Rooney gave an interview in the press about the trials of his injury, weight, and hair loss. I watched a tennis player in a motorised wheel chair catching the ball with his feet and tossing the serve with them. If the likes of  Rooney and the sickness of their monstrous pay packets whining wasn't bad enough at the best of times, during the Paralympics, it belied belief.

The only dull part of the event came from the Channel 4 coverage. Never up with the blanket delight the BBC offered, coupled with the glaring need for advertisements, it came a very poor second. Presenters and commentators were inadequate also, with the only quality coming from those that had been stolen from the BBC. When watching the running in the Olympic Stadium, there is something quite wrong when in the background of Rob Walker's commentary you can hear someone feeding him his lines.

London 2012 in both Olympic and Paralympic form has hopefully taught us many things. The true role models lie in these people, not in those that take home thousands of pounds a week for kicking a football, or those monsters that enter the Big Brother house, or those that are made into stars on the likes of The X-Factor.

These people have worked hard, dedicated their lives to their chosen sport, for little or no return. They also, through their broad smiles throughout, looked like they wanted to be their, unlike the constant sour looks of those other stars.

They were there for pride in their sport, pride in their country and pride in their performance. We all should learn a lot from that.

The Sunday Shakedown - 26th August 2012

...and on the seventh day there was waffle.

The most glorious week when wild child Prince Harry got his Ginger Nuts out. Then having lost them in a game of billiards, he paraded naked for a convenient phone camera for all the world to see.
Now we are in a world of equal rights now, so to keep the sexual equality, I believe we now need to see Catherine after a failed game of Strip Poker, or Zara sharing a rugby shower with the International Rugby forwards, or heaven forbid Princess Anne after a loss in the Strip Dressage.

I would like to state at this point in time that I have not slept with this person:

Katherine Jenkins is now sadly only a very close friend. I realise that it is very unlikely that you will believe me when I say that myself and Katherine are not an item. However despite taking an absolute age to set-up and light all them damn candles. All she did was smile sweetly at me and then show me her Paso Doble. Sadly this was not a euphemism and it was just something that lucky bastard Derek Hough had showed her on Dancing With The Stars even though he wasn't even her partner.
I truly believed that I could hit it off with the lovely Katherine and that the only real stumbling block was that she didn't understand my needs and what I wanted to do for her. I think this is probably just because she is welsh.
I shall just settle for watching her wriggling and bouncing on my monitor on repeat...

The Friday Sun newspaper finally relented and presented a dick on the front page of their paper. This was news to me as I hadn't realised that Simon Cowell and the The X-Factor were back on TV.

I do not wish to confirm at this stage that I have slept with David Beckham. I can confirm however that all those endless Becks in pants photos also contain socks...

Just about recovering from all them sickening photos of Wayne Rooney that spread across my Twitter timeline yesterday. Apparently he also had an injury as well, but I have yet to see this.

Yesterday we said goodbye to a legend. RIP Neil Armstrong

The Sunday Shakedown - 19th August 2012

...and on the seventh day there was waffle.

So after sixteen days of tossing off, peanut and budgie smuggling and running around in knickers with sand in the crevices, the London Olympics 2012 came to an end last Sunday.
TeamGB, didn't they do well? Sporting more bling around their shoulders than the average avenue in Essex, it was a joy to behold.

Prince Philip is getting very suspicious. He may well be ninety odd, but I think some of the timings of his illnesses have a air of dodgy-ness about them. Christmas gathering last year with all the family, "Oh, I don't feel well." Jubilee celebration culminating in the horrors of Cheryl Cole and Paul "prepare to be frozen" McCartney singing, "Oh, I feel awfully poorly". Last week, lovely summer family stay at Balmoral "I think I need the toilet again, and oh dear, I don't feel too good". Highly suspicious, but way to go Philip! Very clever, high five!

Had a now very rare haircut this week. I do try to get it as long as Ozzy Osborne before I spill it over the barbers floor, as whenever it is, it now it reveals a most hideous amount of grey beneath. I don't know when this started happening, but I suppose for now it is preferable to it all falling out.

Celebrations as Big Brother finally finished this week. Cries of joy across the country. Sadly these were promptly silenced by the next day, with Celebrity Big Brother beginning. Looks like its going to be on everyday now like Eastenders seems to be now. Lets hope for a murder crossover to liven it up. Might watch it then.
"Big Brother requests that residents do not bury fellow house guests under the patio."

With the Olympics finally over, I was horrified at the prospect that the lovely Victoria Pendleton was to race no more. However as is the want of modern culture, I have now found a new younger model to drool over and off course watch the wonderful skills of. Step forward the lovely, bubbly Laura Trott!

Photo shoot with these please, but drop the dress. Take a leaf out of Queen Victoria's book.

I know I am shallow, but I am hardly going to be looking at Sir Chris Hoy's thighs am I. Well, I don't know, maybe in outright jealousy.

Anyway, I am not going to write anymore, I am currently dissolving in the horrible heat at the moment. Perhaps I shall strip off and display my fabulous thighs in the street. At least it will distract them from my Philip Schofield hair.

Flashback Film Review: Frost/Nixon

Everyone has heard the story of Richard Nixon and Watergate, they may not know the ins and outs of the whole thing, but the resigning of a American President is standard history. What is less known it the part that a then modest TV presenter/comic played in bringing out the "confession" from Mr Nixon, and this is where this little gem of a movie comes in.

The film tells the story from the resignation through to the final meeting between the presenter David Frost and Nixon following the final of his historic interviews. Playing David Frost impeccably with his trademark delivery is the go-to man for "playing real people" Michael Sheen. Like his other rolls, Tony Blair, Kenneth Williams and Brian Clough, he never gives an impression of the people like an impressionist would, he purely becomes them, and as he strolls from party to opening night to studio set you could really just believe that you were watching the young David Frost. Frank Langella meanwhile is everything the imposing figure, as the tall but slightly stooping Mr Nixon. Powerful in delivery when required, but soft and subtle when trying to get under people skins. A pretty perfect performance right down to the haunting final scenes of silence in the interview.

The film is rightfully more about David Frost, who as history dictates comes out the winner in the end. Triumphing over the once mighty President bought down by his own wrong-doings.

Of the other cast, the stand out is Sam Rockwell as the Watergate expert and Nixon hater James Reston, Jr. Right from his early scenes, he manages to keep his own against the two leads and the scenes leading up to his first meeting with Nixon are nicely played.

Most of the rest of the cast have less to do, with Matthew Macfadyen a by the numbers John Birt (latter to become BBC Director General no less). Kevin Bacon a little underwhelming as the military man at the Presidents side. Also the wonderful Rebecca Hall is given very little to do other than look gorgeous as David Frost's current bit of stuff. This however she is most certainly able to, although it is a terrible waste of her (acting) talents.

The film itself is very nicely put together, and star director Ron Howard pulls out the stops to tell the true story well. Its true that as is the want of the source material, the real meat of the film is in the last quarter. However the rest is a nice appetiser for what is to come even if you are fully aware of the story, and I would totally recommend that given the chance, you give it a watch as it is much more than just a history lesson.

The London Winter Olympics 2064

Following the meteor strike of 2027 which saw the Earth tilted upon its axis, it was clear that the catastrophic weather and global changes would not allow London to repeat its highly successful 2012 Summer Olympics.

As such, in 2055 London Mayor Boris Johnson The Second and his team of Olympic organisers which included seventy-five year old Lord Bradley Wiggins, four time Tour De France winner and Olympic Gold medal winner six times, put a plan together to apply for the hosting of the 2064 Winter Olympic Games.

Two years later after a successful campaign, which was helped by ambassadors Brooklyn Beckham (son of the late football hero David), Dame Laura Trott-Kenny and Dame Jessica Ennis, it was announced by IOC President Lord Christopher Hoy that the 2064 Winter Olympics would be held in London.

All throughout the campaign it had been hoped that the majority of the events would be held within the London Borough with the exception of the Alpine Skiing which would be held in the more mountainous area of Northamptonshire, which although pre-2027 had not been exceptionally mountainous, following the meteor strike and subsequent Earthquakes, the area had become part of the main mountain range that now crossed the country from Lowestoft to Chester.

The Biathlon took place through Richmond Park and finishing in Kew Gardens. Special provision was made to make sure that the resident Polar Bears that now lived in the park were not likely to become a danger to the competitors or the spectators.

The global events had of course had a heavy impact upon the water levels around London and due to this the Short Track Speed Skating was held around the Victoria Memorial outside Buckingham Palace after this area and the Mall had become flooded. This area also was on average frozen solid for eight months of the year, so in June, when the games were held, would be the perfect venue.

With grass difficult to grow in the new landscape of London, Wimbledon had been specially adapted to become a sporting area for the new world. This therefore became the home of both the Ice Hockey and Figure Skating of the games. The roof would only be closed in the event of the now sadly regular solar flares.

The Nordic Combined event would take place at Hampstead Heath with Parliament Hill providing the hill requirements. Like Richmond Park, wildlife control would be key and therefore the colony of Emperor Penguins would be removed for the duration of the event.

The Luge, Skeleton and Bob events took place at the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain in Hyde Park. Specially extended for the event, an area south of the Serpentine was used with the track moving around the south of the park and following a crater that developed during the global events the finish line would be where the retail store of Harrods once stood in Brompton Road.

The Curling was held upon the frozen Serpentine, harking back to the sports roots of originally being played upon frozen ponds and lakes. This was to be the host nations greatest triumph, with the home team coached by seventy-four year old Dame Eve Muirhead, veteran of a record eight Winter Olympics with the team taking Gold without losing a single end in the final against Egypt.

Finally Horse Guards Parade, the famous venue of the Beach Volleyball event fifty-two years before saw the erection of the Ski jump hill, partly built with pieces from the now sadly destroyed London Eye, a huge Ferris wheel structure that once stood on the Thames.

The Opening Ceremony was a triumph of an event in itself held in the newly refurbished 2012 Olympic Stadium. In homage to the original Sheep that grazed in 2012, Arctic Seals, now resident on the banks of the Thames performed tricks and treats to the crowd before the ceremony began.

Once the seals had been herded away, the stadium transformed with a great light show and huge displays depicting the destruction of New York by the meteor, and fine Shakespearean actor Kenzo Branagh, grandson of the late Kenneth Branagh, depicting New York Mayor Justin Bieber. There followed a moment of silence mourning the loss of millions to the disaster and then a burst of music saw a lightening of the mood to herald the fact that from disaster, the world had become a safer place as countries across the world had come together as one following the tragic events like never before.

Depicting the volcanic eruptions that had become norm for the years following the meteor strike, a vast volcano was thrust up at one end of the stadium. This erupting with molten lava cascaded down the side and formed at its foot the Olympic rings which once completed were hoisted into the sky, high above the stadium.

Finally for the opening ceremony to be complete the famous flame was to be lit. Successfully kept secret until the time was right, five time Olympic Gold winner Mo Farrah ran into the stadium brandishing the torch and completed one circuit of the track despite being the ripe old age of eighty-one, to the cries of joy from the crowd. Everyone was sure that he would be the one to light the flame. However at completion of the circuit, appearing from seemingly nowhere were Mo's twins, born days after his double gold winning performance at the 2012 games. Gold medallists themselves since, they both took the torch in hand and lit the flame to a roar from the eighty thousand strong crowd.

The closing ceremony was an equally epic event, concentrating on a glorious musical concert from stars of present and past across the world. Paying tribute to the closing ceremony of 2012, the surviving members of the old Spice Girls saw Mel Chisholm and Emma Bunton joined by the new Spice Girls formed in 2050 in tribute following the death of the originals creator Simon Fuller at the age of ninety. A collection of chart topping stars then performed through the three hour show and finally as the flame was prepared to be extinguished  specially removed from cryogenic storage for the event, Sir Paul McCartney performed "Hey Jude".

The Sunday Shakedown - 5th August 2012

...and on the seventh day there was waffle.


Lindsey Lohan has apparently demanded that all male members on the crew for a sex scene in her new movie strip off. Well you can demand all you like love, you can even get down on your knees and beg, then perhaps I shall drop my pants for you. Seize the moment as they say...

Internet trolls made the headlines once again this week with an idiot on Twitter sending offensive tweets to Olympic diver Tom Daley. The comments were concerning Tom having let down his late father, Tom who came fourth in the world in his event this week, having been one time FINA World Champion, two time European Champion, two time Commonwealth, six time British Champion, four time British champion at Junior and nine time ASA National Champion at Junior and Adult.

Meanwhile our twitter friend isn't even a champion in his own bedroom. With his awesome use of the english language on his YouTube videos, I am sure that his has made his parents very proud...

Proper respect to those great British Olympians: Opposition Buzz, Imperial Cavalier, High Kingdom, Miners Frolic and Lionheart, who kept to the original Olympics tradition and competed naked.

Jess Varnish who was competing in the team in the cycling with Victoria Pendleton apparently went off too early and they unfortunately got disqualified. I am afraid that if I was being chased by Victoria in lycra, not only would I have let her catch me, I most certainly would have gone off too early.


The newspapers reported this week of a lady who had an encounter with a "4ft boa constrictor" in her bath that she described as a "banana". Well I am sorry young lady, but it wasn't a snake, and I have to apologise for being in your bath at the time.

The racist Daily Mail surpassed itself last weekend with comments made in a review of the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics describing the family section impossible with no chance of finding "an educated white middle-aged mother and black father living together with a happy family...". Even for them this was a horrendously racist piece, which once over Twitter, they hastily re-edited to mean the complete opposite.

And finally, as there was a glorious glut of magnificent medals collected for TeamGB it was wonderful once again to see the overpaid and brainless footballers fail to perform like the hard working, unrecognised and talented athletes, rowers, and cyclists and all had throughout the week. Sadly, give it a couple of weeks and the true stars of sport will be forgotten once again and the pantomime performing football stars will be the "heroes" once again.

In Cinemas Today: Diary Of A Wimpy Kid - Cat Days

OPENING TODAY AT A CINEMA NEAR YOU

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID

CAT DAYS

DAY ONE: That bully rubbed my face all over the cats turds this morning. I got up and had a second nose, all brown stuck to the side of my face.

DAY TWO: Bully made me eat a dead starling that the cat bought in for my lunch today.


DAY THREE: Bullies mates pinned me down while bully held the cat over me while it brought up a fur ball this afternoon. It went right over my face and I swallowed a little bit of it.


DAY FOUR: I was tied to a post today by bully, and the neighbours cat used me as a scratching post.


DAY FIVE: Bully rubbed my head in a fully damp litter tray today and made me stand in the street until all the bits dried and fell off.

DAY SIX: Bully had shaved the back end of the cat this morning, and with super glue he stuck it onto my chin. He said without that I would never get a beard.

AT A CINEMA NEAR YOU NOW

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID

CAT DAYS

The Friday Fry-Up: Olympics Special - 27th July 2012

Cashing in on the Olympics...


Tried to get another job working for G4S at the Olympics this week saying that I was a pat-down specialist, specializing in female checking. Sadly they didn't buy it, and told me I would have to feel knobs as well to do the job. I felt a few dicks but drew the line at patting down Simon Cowell when he came through the checkpoint.


Planning on watching a bit of Women's Football, not for the game but to try and guess which one I would. Also which one would back, or which would play in the bushes.


It has been reported this week that it is irresponsible for athletes and sports stars to front ad campaigns for fast food outlets or junk food. Too right, you would never find me, a natural athlete, lowering themselves to this in the need for money.
Now a message from my sponsor:

The sublime Twenty Twelve comedy series finished this week. Having sent up the Olympics deliverance committee for two series, it was clear at the end that it just hadn't been realistic enough. It really was not daft enough.


I am afraid that I have to confirm that I am 95% unfit for the Olympics, I yesterday incurred a slight strain in the index finger of my right hand. Unfortunately due to this I am going to suffer substantial pain as this is the main finger that I use for changing channels on my remote.


Woke to a tremendous ringing in my ears this morning. Not "All The Bells", but my damn Tinnitus is back again.


North Korea had a cheek walking out to an honest mistake the other day. What is frankly a mistake of a country, with the most appalling human rights issues should not get on their hind horse about this. They need to grow up, especially their leader.


Finally I would like to take this opportunity to say that I am excited by the Olympics and have sadly had to hear endless people going on about how they hate it, wish we had never won it and have heard enough about it. All I would like to say here is that I am now fed up with all you that have endlessly complained that you hate it, wish we had never won it and have heard enough about it.

The Friday Fry-Up - 20th July 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


The Boss Bruce Springsteen and Sir Paul McCartney were rudely unplugged on Saturday night due to them passing there noise curfew. All I can say to this is where the hell were these guys when Cheryl Cole was polluting the air during the Jubilee concert?


What the hell does G4S boss have on his head. I am sure that it is next doors guinea pig.

Finally gave up on summer for this year and got out the winter coats. It has been so depressing so far this year, that I watched Wallander again to lighten my mood. I believe in the middle of July, you are not meant to stand and think which coat you are going to put on when you go out. #summerrage


Nadal has withdrawn from the Olympics I see for this year, so Andy Murray is going to have to come up with some other reason for not winning again.


Poor Amir Khan he gets knocked down, and he gets back up again, he gets knocked down, and still won't retire. He needs to give up like Audrey Harrison did and just go on Strictly Come Dancing. Although he may well get knocked out in the first round...


Following Lord Coe's interview this morning regarding "possibly" being able to wear Nike trainers among other things, I think it would be safe to assume that the best bet is for people to go naked to the Olympics. At least then it will be very much in the tradition of the ancient Olympics where competitors competed in the nude. The very thought of which has made me come over all dizzy having thought who is competing.

At least Victoria Pendleton is already ahead of the game in this respect.

Off to have a lie down now with all these thoughts...

The Friday Fry-Up - 13th July 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


It was a shame that Andy Murray didn't quite win on Sunday. What about his speech though, it didn't half make me cry. It went on that long that Countryfile didn't come on, on time.


Went to see if I could get a job on the Olympic security team this week, but they said that I looked a bit shifty, so they gave it to the chap with the hook instead.


Tulisa Contostavlos was victorious in her court case this week over "that" video. She immediately went home and celebrated by making a video...


John Terry has been found not guilty of racism, humility case still pending.


Another unpleasant incident at a "Free Cash Machine" this week, I am sorry if I am really slow in understanding, the policeman did try to speak slowly. However I think the armed response was a little extreme, as I tried to explain I had reached into my pocket for my banana and two plums as I had skipped breakfast. Where would I possibly get hold of a gun?


This week saw the sixty-second anniversary of the release of Etch-A-Sketch, a relic of the past, and childhood memories of which we shall never see the like again. Hang on, got to go, I have had a notification from DrawSomething that it is my turn to play, let me leave you with a picture of a cat...

The Friday Fry-Up - 6th July 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Another gorgeous lady made a great escape this week from the insane Tom Cruise. I reckon what he needs to do is find someone more in tune with his brainwaves, with less emphasis on looks, and by jove I think I have found her. I am a veritable match-maker extraordinaire.

Now the team at CERN have found the Higgs Boson (so they say), I challenge them to find these things next:
#1 - Harry Styles pictured out with a younger lady.
#2 - An honest Bank Chief Executive.
#3 - Eric Pickle's leaving some chocolate cake on his plate.


The scarily tall Shard was finally finished this week in London making the Gherkin look as feeble as me standing naked next to the equally naked Michael Fassbender.

I had the misfortune to catch Embarrassing Bodies: Live from the Clinic this week and was immediately confronted by a giant cock. Fortunately Dr Christian Jessen was not onscreen all the time and some time was spent viewing the rather lovely Dr Dawn Harper, who was kind enough to have a lovely short skirt on which enabled me to make a thorough examination. There did follow a report though that made A Small Mind quite happy, breaking the wonderful news that his member isn't actually that small.
The whole concept of this show though really is rather bizarre, waggling your dick or boobs over webcam live for Channel 4. While watching those double KK baps this week, I felt the need to make sure that money was not being removed from my credit card.


Interesting to see that druggie on Question Time last night. Not sure if Johnny Rotten enjoyed sitting next to Louise Mensch though. She talked about drugs effecting her mentally also, I presume that was the period when she was writing her books.


The comic genius that was Eric Sykes died this week.

The Friday Fry-Up - 29th June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


I read on Saturday that Ashleigh Butler wants to appear on the next run of Strictly Come Dancing but without Pudsey the dancing dog. This could be best as with Nancy Dell'Olio on the last series, we really don't want too much repitition.


Apparently they are discussing the possibility of allowing prisoners to have sex while in jail. If this comes to pass, I may have to commit a crime and go and have some as I am not getting any as a free man, well not for free anyhow...


As the government and the mathematically challenged George Osborne made another U-turn this week, they sent little mouse Chloe Smith to take the Jeremy Paxman fired bullets. Now we all know that not only is George Osborne a rich clown who likes dicky bows, he is also a childish wimp who sends an un-briefed woman out to do his dirty work because he is not man enough to do the job he is paid for himself.

Another incident involving a "Free Cash Machine" this week. I said that it was mine when I tried to get it out and that RBS hadn't officially made it mine yet, but they didn't believe me. Also bail didn't come through so I spent two nights in the clink. Got some nice sex though, although he was a little hairy if I am honest.

The football team was announced this week for the Olympics and there was a glaring omission from the squad in the form of David Beckham. Now it is true that he is a little long in the tooth for major competition, but as an Olympic Ambassador he was key to us even gaining the event in the first place. Therefore to not pick him is ridiculous, and anyway its not as if we are going to win it, is it?


So Fifty Shades Of Grey is the fastest million selling book ever, well you are going to need another copy once the juices are running as it does make a mess of the pages.


Happy to see my Maria Sharapova making safe-ish progress at Wimbledon, what better time to have another look at the goods.

Maria Sharapova - New balls please, mine are empty.

That Harry Style's is a lad ain't he! As a gentlemen in my early thirties, I really couldn't imagine having a sordid, rampant, highly sexually charged, no hold's barred affair with an eighteen year old. Sorry, I have come over all hot now...

I think I need a lie down, so let me finish by saying a final farewell to Nora Ephron, writer of all those kind of films I wouldn't watch other than the fact that Meg Ryan was in some of them. Enjoy this, one of those perfect movie moments.

The Friday Fry-Up - 22nd June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Too late for last weeks fry-up, news reached me of the antics of one Kate Wilson (thank you @DomRobinson on Twitter) a nineteen year old supermarket sweeper in the most awesome of senses.

Appearing in court last week for parading naked through Tesco's while on a legal high, young Kate finished her antics by karate kicking a policeman. Personally if I had been there I would have had to have got my hands on the hot baps in aisle three and would no doubt have left a slip hazard in the aisle as well.


England beat Sweden. Whoop! {Place holder below for follow-up after Tuesday's game}


Russell Brand this week cornered Graham Norton, telling him off for making his mother cry after bringing up his divorce with Katy Perry. I wonder if Russell himself has ever done anything that made his own mother cry? Hmmm...
Likewise, if my mother was still alive, as a fan of Dudley Moore, I am certain that Russell's performace as Arthur would have made her cry. So button it Brand.


Despite his performance at Queen's at the weekend, the England football team were unable to get the paperwork in order for David Nalbandian to take to the field on Tuesday.

Sue Barker takes action again David Nalbandian!

So people want Gary Barlow to return his OBE because of his flexible tax payment system, when they are missing the true reasons he should return it, in other words Cheryl Cole and Grace Jones.


So anyway, our right honourable Prime Minister, Mr David Cameron hit out at Jimmy Carr that he had been "morally wrong" to have taken  part in an entirely legal tax avoidance scheme. Much like his fellow MPs and himself had taken part in a "totally within the rules" expenses system.


It was nice to see the mad man that is Dave Lee Travis back on the screen this week, albeit briefly. In an interview on the ITV lunchtime news he was he usual insane self.

Apparently England won, so are playing again it would seem. This was all thanks to the marvels of Wayne Rooney's new toupee.
It's not a toupee you say?
No, you must be wrong, only a Bruce Forsyth could look that ridiculous.


Having been given the task of installing the new software for Natwest. Let me apologise to you all after I installed Max Payne 3 instead.

Tony Nicklinson - The Right To Die?

Tony Nicklinson has re-opened the old can of worms. Today he is in court requesting his right to die. Trapped in his body following an active life before it, he can no longer do anything but blink his eyes.


Mr  Nicklinson has had locked-in syndrome since a stroke seven years ago and the condition takes all movement from you, but leave you fully mentally aware and with all the intellect and knowledge you had before, it must truly be one of the most cruellest of things.


Having had an active life before and with full intelligence intact, the question is why should we not allow him to die? The main difference between Mr Nicklinson and previous cases is the key fact of ability, he is totally unable to administer the fatal dose, someone would have to do the task for him and that is key to the case. This of course would be murder.


As is always the case when these incidents hit the news, the term "playing god" appears, but what of this. Whether you are religious or not, doctors are and always have, played god. Why should doctors only be there for the better and never the worse?


The problem for most of us, we do not truly know the situation that Mr Nicklinson is in. We can imagine very easily perhaps, but to be fully aware? Never.


Think for a second about never being able to move again, never to speak, never with your own effort go outside into the sun. To kick a football. Pick up a newspaper. Pour that mug of tea. The simplest of things gone from you forever.


I would hope that the judges do the right thing in this case, but of course sadly this is very unlikely to occur.

Katherine Kerswell: Licence To Take Money

Katherine Kerswell, ex-Northamptonshire County Council, now ex-Kent County Council lives on a different planet to the rest of us. If only she did, and all those other misguided Chief Execs on the planet. Those people who work for the public, very directly, but think the work they do deserves pay packets that the rest can only dream of.

Dear Katherine joined Northamptonshire County Council in September 2007 where she had a pretty reasonable (read ridiculous) salary of £197,135 a year. She defended this amount during office stating that it was just 29p per person in the county. The Royal Family costs 51p per person in the country, therefore Queen Katherine is over half as important as the Queen herself.

Ok, 29p doesn't sound a lot does it when you break it down, and of course they do such a vital job that you need to pay that to get the "best people". However like the bankers that have screwed things up elsewhere, do we actually get the "best people"?

Now Queen Katherine didn't exactly leave Northamptonshire in a blaze of glory to many, and now it would seem she hasn't exactly left her destination, Kent in a blaze of glory either.

Queen Katherine saw through a slash and burn system in Kent, bringing in £340 million cuts and setting off a plan to remove 1500 jobs over four years. A vital thing to do in these stringent times it seems. What better to save the country that to sack 1500 people, and end up paying the poor souls unemployment benefit. After all we are all in this together.

So anyway, back to Queen Katherine. Now it seems she it out of there. Made redundant after just 16 spectacular months of destroying peoples lives, her life is now in tatters as she signs on the dole. Oh hang on, no of course not. She was after all on £200,000 a year in this job, so she may have been able to save a bit for those hard times ahead. Having said that, she still could have a bit of trouble and as the council have been every so rude in sacking her, perhaps they should give her a little payoff to help her along. Yes, that's right, £20,000 maybe? No? £50,000 then at a stretch?

No of course not, this is a person who is over half as important as the Royals don't forget, and has had the hard task of sacking 1500 people. Here have £420,000 to help you along.

Like I said, these people think they are gods, they tell us how important they are, how vital they are, they can demand the earth, and it seems there is always someone idiotic enough to believe them. So round and round they go, doing the job, moving on, doing the job and moving on. They really are quite clever ain't they?

Katherine Kerswell, smiling all the way to the bank.

The Friday Fry-Up - 15th June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Had great fun watching the French Open over the weekend especially with my desire Maria Sharapova winning, the reason I had my bedroom soundproofed (give me a call when you want Maria, I am ready for you again).
Anyway, the woman's tournament was where it was at, what with the interminable ball bouncing before serving from Djokovic and Nadal. Also what the hell is it with Nadal and his nose and ear flicking every time to prepares to serve? They have a cheek having a go at the ladies grunting after that joke.
Also clay, what the hell is that all about? The only good thing for clay is making pots, not bleeding tennis court surfaces.


A £4 million lottery winner appeared in court this week after being charged with benefit fraud. He seeked no publicity when he won the jackpot off Camelot, and after appearing on at least one cover of the national newspapers its fair to say that it worked very well.


Always having been a bit concerned about the lack of awareness of Northampton, and the often confusion between Northampton and Nottingham, it was even more concerning that even the person pretending to be The Queen on Twitter managed to get Northampton mixed up with Nottingham on Wednesday.


Poor old Harry Rednapp has found himself out of a job despite having pretty good success, unfortunately pretty good success counts for nothing in football. Fortunately though after the 19th June, I am sure there will be a national side looking for a new manager.


Fast Girls is at the cinemas from today. This sounded just like my kind of film. Then I heard that it was really full of lots of racy girls, and it sounded even better. Then I heard it was about athletics...


We have seen both Madonna's breast and her bum in the last week in her stage shows. So expect to see Midge, I mean Madge getting her, erm toenails out soon.
On the bright side at 53, I understand that she is just old enough to have got Wayne Rooney up for his return next Tuesday.


So England started off with an "awesome" draw against France the other night and tonight to help their chances of getting out the group they need to beat Sweden who they have never beaten in a competitive game before. Plane tickets home ordered?


Anyway back to Maria and let's have a close up of them red knickers again to pass the time.

World Naked Bike Ride London 2012: Pants Off Again

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The Friday Fry-Up - 8th June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Top Cat The Movie 3D - Why?


Ricky Martin I see won The Apprentice. Awesome, he has always been my Hero.


At last we can be proud of one of the Mitchell family from Eastenders. Well done Leanne!


I know it seems to be wrong, she is what 66? 70? Not sure, but...

I know its wrong really, but you know? I read the papers, she is isn't she? She's just so, dirty. I would be happy to get trapped in a car with her, I am sure that we can find something to pass the time...


The Queen's Jubilee Concert was good in parts, bad in parts and I am not looking at anyone in particular when I say bad (Cheryl Cole, Cliff Richatd, Robbie Williams and JLS), its only fair to concentrate on the good. The visual good for a Small Mind was undoubtably the lovely tiny person Kylie:

While unquestionable the fun part has to go to one of a Small Mind's favourites, Madness.

This performance was enhanced by a most superb projection on the Queen's gaff.


Transit of Venus was awesome, well so I was told. I was asleep.


It's all kicking off in the Ukraine tonight. There will also be some football as well.


This Friday Fry-Up seems a bit sparse this week, I bet you are all happy about that. Consider it a light breakfast...

A Small Mind sponsored by Hemorrhoids 'R' Not Us

There has been massive controversy over the last few days regarding the influence of sponsors on the 2012 London Olympics and the torch relay. It is without doubt that sponsorship has stolen what was once a great sporting event. Like football, loot has destroyed the authenticity of the game. It has made the quality better, there is no question, but the money makes the bile rise in the throat.

Sports stars, once proud to play for their country, now check their bank balance to make sure it is worth the effort to do so. Am I getting enough money from my sponsors to be bothered to make this effort? And with the money the whole event is sold out to the sponsors. They control everything.


If you were lucky enough to get a ticket for the Olympics, when you attend the event you need to make sure that the only thing you drink is Coca-Cola, the only thing you eat is a Big Mac, and you only make your purchases with Visa. My phone is a Samsung, so they wouldn't remove that at the gate because, you guessed it, they are official "partners" as well. If your trainers are not Adidas, you may find yourself in bare feet for the event too. If you get a chocolate bar out during your stay, just make sure that it is Cadbury's or your sugar intake might be gone.

All in all, it makes you feel proud.

The sponsors have also had their heavy hand on the Olympic torch relay, with their nice publicity seeking carriers. Why else would Will.I.Am be carrying the torch? Jedward too, and Didier Drogba as well, this gets it all in the papers, and the sponsors love it. It might be wrong, it may be sick, but we have to keep the sponsors happy. So what if the youngest ever British Olympian Kenneth Lester, who was coxswain in 1960, doesn't get to carry the torch. As long as Indian Steel magnet and official Olympic supporter, Lakshmi Mittal and his son get to buy, sorry honourably gain their chance to carry the flame.

Lakshmi Mittal: I am richy and I know it,

Sponsors they cry, are helping pay for the event, without them, we would all have to pay more to stage the event. However as already suggested above, sponsors are just driving the cost of these events up. When the sponsors finally find they have had enough, we shall all step back and watch our sports implode, especially football which is just out of control.

A more ironic situation is the iron fist that the IOC holds over the Olympics, condemning and banning anyone who uses the Olympics, the term 2012 and the rings in any little way, while selling its soul to an endless number of huge, multi-million pound entities. Even proud British filmmaker Noel Clarke has come up against Olympic bosses after he was banned from featuring the Olympics as the background for his new film Fast Girls.

Having said all these nasty things however about the Olympics, I will wave my flag and be an avid viewer in fifty days time when it all begins. Despite all the corruption of money, I still feel proud of the true effort that our athletes make and wish them all well as I drink my Pepsi, eat my KFC, while sitting in my Nike trainers. All having been purchased with my Mastercard. I am sure that it will all look great on my LG television.