DISNEY'S PLANES - At Cinemas Now!

At Cinemas Now The Latest Blockbuster cartoon animation from Disney!

From the makers of Disney's Cars come this brand new exciting adventure.

Featuring all those favourite comic characters that you came to love so much.

This time they take to the skies in a brand new adventure featuring the superstar voices that help the box office takings while adding nothing to the film.

Those wonderful comic creations you saw in Cars are back, this time with wings!

They take part in an action adventure that you are sure to have seen before in that hit children's cartoon Cars, which coincidently we released to rave reviews and huge box office takings.

So here we are again with a not so different adventure featuring planes and not cars!

 So now is the time to shoot off to your local multiplex in your planes, eh cars and soak up the fun and frolics in this brand new classic comic adventure.

 AT CINEMAS NOW

Coming soon to a cinema near you:

BICYCLES(2014)

TRAINS (2014)

TRUCKS (2015)

SHIPS (2015)

TAXIS (2015)

BUSES (2016)

MOTORCYCLES (2016)

HOT AIR BALLOONS (2016)

CANOES (2016)

VANS (2017)

GLIDERS (2017)

RICKSHAWS (2017)

UNICYCLES (2017)

and many more as we think of them!

New From Channel 5: Envelope Opening With The Stars

Following the huge success of the pilot show on Channel 5 News on the 15th August featuring A-level results from around the country, television broadcaster Channel 5 is proud to announce the commissioning of a brand new entertainment show.

Each Saturday night a famous person will meet select members of the public for that most exciting night of their lives. Live from a spectacular stage erected weekly in London's Trafalgar Square they will be with them for key moments of their lives. That envelope which will change their lives forever.

Episode 1 presented by superstar Simon Cowell will see seven men from all over Britain at that most important time. Each side of a dramatically placed commercial break the men will open that envelope that contains the crucial results of their paternity test to see whether for the rest of their lives they have to pay child maintenance.

EPISODE 1 - WHOSE THE DADDY?

Episode 2 presented by Prince Harry Of Wales spins episode 1 on its head with 16-30 year olds from around the country opening that important envelope containing the information as to who really is their father, the man who deserted them at birth. 

EPISODE 2 - ARE YOU MY DADDY?

 

Episode 3 sees Abi Titmuss meet men and women from around the country who have had an unfortunate moment of a split during copulating and have the life changing moment of whether they have an STD to deal with, potentially for the rest of their lives.

EPISODE 3 - RUBBER OR NOT?

Episode 4 sees former cyclist Lance Armstrong meet men and women with that vital doctors letter in their possession. The moment is here for them to finally know whether that illness that they have been suffering with is the Big C.

EPISODE 4 - THE BIG C-SAW

Episode 5 sees Stephen Fry meet members of families from around the country who have had family members die in potentially suspicious circumstances. All have left a sealed envelope either at the scene or at their home. So the time has come for the answer.

EPISODE 5 - TOPPED OR NOT?

Channel 5 is very proud to announce this exciting, groundbreaking new series for their Autumn schedule.

Godfrey Bloom Gets His Bongo's In A Twist

UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom probably had a good point to make. Unfortunately he put his point across like a bull queueing to buy a porcelain toreador figurine.

We all know what he really meant, and to a great many people who are currently really struggling in our economic climate, many probably agreed with him. It's very true that to many areas of the world we are living it up, that is the thing being in a so-called first world nation. However if we are considered rich in the grand scheme of things, must we really find the need to send our money abroad to help? Especially at a time when hundreds and hundreds of our home nation families are having to attend food banks on a regular basis.

There is definitely a concern of waste when sending to some of these countries. It is true that they are among the poorest in the world that we send to, however you could say that some of them are among the most corrupt in the world also. Therefore can we truly believe that every penny of our money goes to those that are really in need of it? We are currently sending around £100 million a year to Zimbabwe for instance, and this of course we are confident is being spent wisely on the poor and needy as there is no thought of corruption there!

Putting corruption waste to one side, there is then the matter of whether a country really needs aid. This brings us swiftly to India, our glorious former Commonwealth asset, that of course our nation can only be grateful over the years. A country that we must really look after, a country that has slums and street children. Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire made the world cry with the sorrow of its existence. Oh, this poor and unfortunate country. We must help them. So we do, we currently send £280 million a year to them. They really need it, they truly do.

Well at least they have their $1.3 billion space program to keep their spirits high. When a five year old is scrapping about in the gutter filled with urine and faeces looking for food to survive, at least they can think to themselves of their wonderful nations intergalactic achievements.

So, yes Mr Bloom. You have a good point to make, sadly you have the refined nature of Chubby Brown's after dinner speech at the local Eid celebrations.

Troll On, Troll Off - The Twitter Trial

Twitter is under attack. Not necessarily just from trolls but from those that would eradicate them! It would seem at the moment that Twitter is a hot bed of crime and perversion, that all users are threatening to bomb, rape and pillage others. When in actual fact most of us, like humanity itself are pretty normal.

However Twitter apparently has got to get its house in order. Those that run it are pretty much an accessory to this crime that is going on.

However surely that is crazy talk if you sit back and think. Since when did a communication medium become responsible explicitly for its users?

When the Royal Mail delivered that poison pen letter that that evil piece of work wrote fifty years ago, were they responsible? No.

When the I.R.A. sent their coded bomb threats from that phone box down the road, did the boss of B.T. stand in the dock too? No.

You could say that I make light of these crimes that are being perpetrated against (mostly) lady users of Twitter (and yes other social media), but at no point am I wishing to trivialise them in any way. What I am really saying is that crime should be controlled, and be the sole responsibility of the police. Not some internet moguls that setup a really rather successful business.

Twitter is certainly not anonymous like the Royal Mail and the telephone and that is surely the only place where the Twitter owners come in, to provide the details of the users that do the crime. To quote the old fashioned term, like all responsible adults, they should assist the police with their enquiries perhaps. Not be hung, drawn and quartered in the press because their "vessel" of social interaction is being used in a criminal way.

Twitter, Facebook and others should, and are wonderful places to gather for light-hearted fun, interaction with "famous" people and just general social activity. They should not find themselves the victim of members of the public that neither understand or want to understand how social media works.

Like all walks of life the bad can sometimes appear to be the major factor, the overwhelming evil. However like all areas of the world, they are the minority and at no point should we succumb to them or blame others, other that the authorities for not controlling them.

POWER TO THE (NEARLY) NORMAL PEOPLE!


Twitter: @asmallmind

PHWOAR!!! Look At The Silver Sealed Bag On That!

The Co-Op have got their knickers in a twist over those naughty old lads mags it seems. Issuing an ultimatum to the publishers that they require a "modesty cover" for the filthy things so that they can continue profiting from selling them.

It would seem that some of the customers have had a grumble about seeing Kelly Brook's melons on the shelf while they test their plums for firmness in the fruit and veg aisles. If indeed there have been complaints. It could be that the whole thing may be engineering a bit of publicity for them or even they might be reacting to pressure from feminist campaigners, who are very active at present with many of the governments plans for online security over porn.

It would seem that the Co-Op are however doing a cover-up at present in many stores in any case:

So with these black covers over the mags it must be that we are dealing with a new species of children with Superman X-Ray powers and if that is the case no ladies bras and panties are safe from viewership even your granny.

However I get silly as is my want, this is a very serious business. I cannot help but see an outrageous double standard against us menfolk. I have not myself made a point of purchasing fashion magazines, but I believe you ladies do and I present exhibit A, an old cover of Vanity Fair:

Explicit but maybe not quite so suggestive I grant you, but that leads me to exhibit B, a much more recent offering from W magazine:

A little more suggestive maybe? However of course this is in the name of Art and that means we can get away with anything doesn't it!

I suspect that if Kim wants to get her knockers out again the Co-Op will be fine if its on a ladies lifestyle magazine, but if those breasts dare go near the cover of Esquire, Front, Nuts or any other of those filthy rags, its the silver bag treatment as them there breasts are going to corrupt our children!

Another mag that should be banished from the Co-Op shopping aisles is Rolling Stone, a serial offender if ever there was one, whether is be the cast of True Blood almost presenting their goods or Miranda Kerr keeping a good cover in front of the shrubbery:

So Co-Op if you are truly planning on protecting the fragile minds of the children that come in your store for their lollipops, I believe you are going to have to spread your view a touch wider, or maybe perhaps have a good think whether this material really does cause damage at all.

In the meantime I would be grateful if you could cover-up all that Justin Bieber material on your shelves. I really do find it quite offensive!

Theatre Review: The Hothouse by Harold Pinter at the Trafalgar Studios, London

This weekend saw my very first experience of a Harold Pinter play, the world famous playwright who I literally knew nothing about. I presumed some highbrow theatery stuff, all stuffy and indigestable. I know not why, I just for some reason assumed too much. Famous theatre playwright I thought, not going to be entertaining stuff for a commoner like me. It'll be like wading through treacle!

How wrong I was! Funny, sharp, cool, black (very black) and just so much fun! A literally endless cascade of glorious dialogue creating a somewhat open play which could be interpreted in many ways. To find yourself laughing so much at a play which contains torture, death, rape and murder seems strange and when leaving the theatre I heard many discussions about the contents, many not getting it, many not liking it. It could certainly be a play best not viewed if you do not get very black humour, fortunately I have no problem at all with this type of material, and got it very much.

The cast were superb throughout. Leads Simon Russell Beale and John Simm bouncing off one another wonderfully. The quiet, but yes, sinister Gibbs (Simm) being the perfect foil for "Colonel" Roote (Beale) as the over the top, blustering buffoon who knows none of his patients and lacks understanding of the left from the right. Both leads are excellent in their respective roles, but I did fear for Mr Beale's back as he lay bent over his chair in one of the clever freeze frame moments.

John Heffernan playing the roguish Lush was highly watch-able whether if be for his snow observations or magical cake moments (you OK in the front row now?). While Harry Melling as the (very) unfortunate Lamb gave a glorious physical performance in his role as the socially afflicted and obvious target of Gibbs. The third of the main supporting roles was Indira Varma as Miss Cutts, who crawled and sexually taunted the men throughout the play. And yes Miss Cutts, I do find that you are feminine enough!

The two tiny roles of Tubb and Lobb played by Clive Rowe and Christopher Timothy (thankfully without a cows bottom in sight) were well played in their all too brief appearances.

The set design, much like the last few plays I have seen was once again exemplary, clean efficient and not too cluttered, with the added fact that the front few rows are effectively on the stage, the whole thing was a glorious viewing.

So to my first Harold Pinter? Wonderful, enlightening, not what could ever have been expected. All in all a glorious two hours of entertainment. Just as long as you like your humour dark, very dark.


The Hothouse runs at Studio One at the Trafalgar Studios, London until Saturday 3rd August.

The Hothouse, Trafalgar Studios

FOR SALE: NORTHAMPTON GUILDHALL

• This lavish building in Northampton is a centrepiece of the market town at the heart of England.
• Constructed between 1861 and 1864 with an in-style extension built in 1992 this building has over the years had several not very careful owners.

• Presently full of hot air and self importance, it is important for the pension pot that there is a quick sale with no paper trail.
• The interior is of quality appearance with plush seating and many water coolers which upon sale will be topped up with quality mineral water.
•  The local facilities include a pub, a nightclub, another pub, another nightclub, some boarded up shops, some more pubs, some pound shops, toilet facilities in shop doorways and a couple of charity shops.
• Also although not actually on the property there is a rather splendid defunct water feature to the rear of the building which when powered up is able to sprinkle liberal amounts of urine deposited the previous evening from the local revellers.
• Another local feature is off-road rallying provided due to an innovative "pot hole" feature.
• As part of the purchase a statue titled Sekhemka will also be included which we are also not allowed to be selling either. However like they say this is democracy...