The Friday Fry-Up: Olympics Special - 27th July 2012

Cashing in on the Olympics...


Tried to get another job working for G4S at the Olympics this week saying that I was a pat-down specialist, specializing in female checking. Sadly they didn't buy it, and told me I would have to feel knobs as well to do the job. I felt a few dicks but drew the line at patting down Simon Cowell when he came through the checkpoint.


Planning on watching a bit of Women's Football, not for the game but to try and guess which one I would. Also which one would back, or which would play in the bushes.


It has been reported this week that it is irresponsible for athletes and sports stars to front ad campaigns for fast food outlets or junk food. Too right, you would never find me, a natural athlete, lowering themselves to this in the need for money.
Now a message from my sponsor:

The sublime Twenty Twelve comedy series finished this week. Having sent up the Olympics deliverance committee for two series, it was clear at the end that it just hadn't been realistic enough. It really was not daft enough.


I am afraid that I have to confirm that I am 95% unfit for the Olympics, I yesterday incurred a slight strain in the index finger of my right hand. Unfortunately due to this I am going to suffer substantial pain as this is the main finger that I use for changing channels on my remote.


Woke to a tremendous ringing in my ears this morning. Not "All The Bells", but my damn Tinnitus is back again.


North Korea had a cheek walking out to an honest mistake the other day. What is frankly a mistake of a country, with the most appalling human rights issues should not get on their hind horse about this. They need to grow up, especially their leader.


Finally I would like to take this opportunity to say that I am excited by the Olympics and have sadly had to hear endless people going on about how they hate it, wish we had never won it and have heard enough about it. All I would like to say here is that I am now fed up with all you that have endlessly complained that you hate it, wish we had never won it and have heard enough about it.

The Friday Fry-Up - 20th July 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


The Boss Bruce Springsteen and Sir Paul McCartney were rudely unplugged on Saturday night due to them passing there noise curfew. All I can say to this is where the hell were these guys when Cheryl Cole was polluting the air during the Jubilee concert?


What the hell does G4S boss have on his head. I am sure that it is next doors guinea pig.

Finally gave up on summer for this year and got out the winter coats. It has been so depressing so far this year, that I watched Wallander again to lighten my mood. I believe in the middle of July, you are not meant to stand and think which coat you are going to put on when you go out. #summerrage


Nadal has withdrawn from the Olympics I see for this year, so Andy Murray is going to have to come up with some other reason for not winning again.


Poor Amir Khan he gets knocked down, and he gets back up again, he gets knocked down, and still won't retire. He needs to give up like Audrey Harrison did and just go on Strictly Come Dancing. Although he may well get knocked out in the first round...


Following Lord Coe's interview this morning regarding "possibly" being able to wear Nike trainers among other things, I think it would be safe to assume that the best bet is for people to go naked to the Olympics. At least then it will be very much in the tradition of the ancient Olympics where competitors competed in the nude. The very thought of which has made me come over all dizzy having thought who is competing.

At least Victoria Pendleton is already ahead of the game in this respect.

Off to have a lie down now with all these thoughts...

The Friday Fry-Up - 13th July 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


It was a shame that Andy Murray didn't quite win on Sunday. What about his speech though, it didn't half make me cry. It went on that long that Countryfile didn't come on, on time.


Went to see if I could get a job on the Olympic security team this week, but they said that I looked a bit shifty, so they gave it to the chap with the hook instead.


Tulisa Contostavlos was victorious in her court case this week over "that" video. She immediately went home and celebrated by making a video...


John Terry has been found not guilty of racism, humility case still pending.


Another unpleasant incident at a "Free Cash Machine" this week, I am sorry if I am really slow in understanding, the policeman did try to speak slowly. However I think the armed response was a little extreme, as I tried to explain I had reached into my pocket for my banana and two plums as I had skipped breakfast. Where would I possibly get hold of a gun?


This week saw the sixty-second anniversary of the release of Etch-A-Sketch, a relic of the past, and childhood memories of which we shall never see the like again. Hang on, got to go, I have had a notification from DrawSomething that it is my turn to play, let me leave you with a picture of a cat...

The Friday Fry-Up - 6th July 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Another gorgeous lady made a great escape this week from the insane Tom Cruise. I reckon what he needs to do is find someone more in tune with his brainwaves, with less emphasis on looks, and by jove I think I have found her. I am a veritable match-maker extraordinaire.

Now the team at CERN have found the Higgs Boson (so they say), I challenge them to find these things next:
#1 - Harry Styles pictured out with a younger lady.
#2 - An honest Bank Chief Executive.
#3 - Eric Pickle's leaving some chocolate cake on his plate.


The scarily tall Shard was finally finished this week in London making the Gherkin look as feeble as me standing naked next to the equally naked Michael Fassbender.

I had the misfortune to catch Embarrassing Bodies: Live from the Clinic this week and was immediately confronted by a giant cock. Fortunately Dr Christian Jessen was not onscreen all the time and some time was spent viewing the rather lovely Dr Dawn Harper, who was kind enough to have a lovely short skirt on which enabled me to make a thorough examination. There did follow a report though that made A Small Mind quite happy, breaking the wonderful news that his member isn't actually that small.
The whole concept of this show though really is rather bizarre, waggling your dick or boobs over webcam live for Channel 4. While watching those double KK baps this week, I felt the need to make sure that money was not being removed from my credit card.


Interesting to see that druggie on Question Time last night. Not sure if Johnny Rotten enjoyed sitting next to Louise Mensch though. She talked about drugs effecting her mentally also, I presume that was the period when she was writing her books.


The comic genius that was Eric Sykes died this week.

The Friday Fry-Up - 29th June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


I read on Saturday that Ashleigh Butler wants to appear on the next run of Strictly Come Dancing but without Pudsey the dancing dog. This could be best as with Nancy Dell'Olio on the last series, we really don't want too much repitition.


Apparently they are discussing the possibility of allowing prisoners to have sex while in jail. If this comes to pass, I may have to commit a crime and go and have some as I am not getting any as a free man, well not for free anyhow...


As the government and the mathematically challenged George Osborne made another U-turn this week, they sent little mouse Chloe Smith to take the Jeremy Paxman fired bullets. Now we all know that not only is George Osborne a rich clown who likes dicky bows, he is also a childish wimp who sends an un-briefed woman out to do his dirty work because he is not man enough to do the job he is paid for himself.

Another incident involving a "Free Cash Machine" this week. I said that it was mine when I tried to get it out and that RBS hadn't officially made it mine yet, but they didn't believe me. Also bail didn't come through so I spent two nights in the clink. Got some nice sex though, although he was a little hairy if I am honest.

The football team was announced this week for the Olympics and there was a glaring omission from the squad in the form of David Beckham. Now it is true that he is a little long in the tooth for major competition, but as an Olympic Ambassador he was key to us even gaining the event in the first place. Therefore to not pick him is ridiculous, and anyway its not as if we are going to win it, is it?


So Fifty Shades Of Grey is the fastest million selling book ever, well you are going to need another copy once the juices are running as it does make a mess of the pages.


Happy to see my Maria Sharapova making safe-ish progress at Wimbledon, what better time to have another look at the goods.

Maria Sharapova - New balls please, mine are empty.

That Harry Style's is a lad ain't he! As a gentlemen in my early thirties, I really couldn't imagine having a sordid, rampant, highly sexually charged, no hold's barred affair with an eighteen year old. Sorry, I have come over all hot now...

I think I need a lie down, so let me finish by saying a final farewell to Nora Ephron, writer of all those kind of films I wouldn't watch other than the fact that Meg Ryan was in some of them. Enjoy this, one of those perfect movie moments.

The Friday Fry-Up - 22nd June 2012

Condensed moments of madness from the past week.


Too late for last weeks fry-up, news reached me of the antics of one Kate Wilson (thank you @DomRobinson on Twitter) a nineteen year old supermarket sweeper in the most awesome of senses.

Appearing in court last week for parading naked through Tesco's while on a legal high, young Kate finished her antics by karate kicking a policeman. Personally if I had been there I would have had to have got my hands on the hot baps in aisle three and would no doubt have left a slip hazard in the aisle as well.


England beat Sweden. Whoop! {Place holder below for follow-up after Tuesday's game}


Russell Brand this week cornered Graham Norton, telling him off for making his mother cry after bringing up his divorce with Katy Perry. I wonder if Russell himself has ever done anything that made his own mother cry? Hmmm...
Likewise, if my mother was still alive, as a fan of Dudley Moore, I am certain that Russell's performace as Arthur would have made her cry. So button it Brand.


Despite his performance at Queen's at the weekend, the England football team were unable to get the paperwork in order for David Nalbandian to take to the field on Tuesday.

Sue Barker takes action again David Nalbandian!

So people want Gary Barlow to return his OBE because of his flexible tax payment system, when they are missing the true reasons he should return it, in other words Cheryl Cole and Grace Jones.


So anyway, our right honourable Prime Minister, Mr David Cameron hit out at Jimmy Carr that he had been "morally wrong" to have taken  part in an entirely legal tax avoidance scheme. Much like his fellow MPs and himself had taken part in a "totally within the rules" expenses system.


It was nice to see the mad man that is Dave Lee Travis back on the screen this week, albeit briefly. In an interview on the ITV lunchtime news he was he usual insane self.

Apparently England won, so are playing again it would seem. This was all thanks to the marvels of Wayne Rooney's new toupee.
It's not a toupee you say?
No, you must be wrong, only a Bruce Forsyth could look that ridiculous.


Having been given the task of installing the new software for Natwest. Let me apologise to you all after I installed Max Payne 3 instead.

Tony Nicklinson - The Right To Die?

Tony Nicklinson has re-opened the old can of worms. Today he is in court requesting his right to die. Trapped in his body following an active life before it, he can no longer do anything but blink his eyes.


Mr  Nicklinson has had locked-in syndrome since a stroke seven years ago and the condition takes all movement from you, but leave you fully mentally aware and with all the intellect and knowledge you had before, it must truly be one of the most cruellest of things.


Having had an active life before and with full intelligence intact, the question is why should we not allow him to die? The main difference between Mr Nicklinson and previous cases is the key fact of ability, he is totally unable to administer the fatal dose, someone would have to do the task for him and that is key to the case. This of course would be murder.


As is always the case when these incidents hit the news, the term "playing god" appears, but what of this. Whether you are religious or not, doctors are and always have, played god. Why should doctors only be there for the better and never the worse?


The problem for most of us, we do not truly know the situation that Mr Nicklinson is in. We can imagine very easily perhaps, but to be fully aware? Never.


Think for a second about never being able to move again, never to speak, never with your own effort go outside into the sun. To kick a football. Pick up a newspaper. Pour that mug of tea. The simplest of things gone from you forever.


I would hope that the judges do the right thing in this case, but of course sadly this is very unlikely to occur.